Reading Jeremiah 15.15-21;  Romans 12.9-21; Matthew 16.21-28
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 12
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Radbourne PCC
Friday 7.30p.m. Sutton Harvest Supper
Saturday 6.00p.m. Radbourne Farewell
Next Sunday – Trinity 13
11.00a.m. Holy Communion & Farewell to Michael Bishop as Rector. Followed by Bring & Share Lunch – Church Broughton
4,00p.m. Baptism of Bruno Sellwood-Beinhoff – Church Broughton
Sunday Groaner
The Perfect Minister

When looking for a new minister, it may be helpful to bear the following in mind:

The Perfect Minister preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church handyman.

The Perfect Minister lives on a very small salary, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates £30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Minister has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Minister always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organisation. And he is always busy evangelising the unchurched. He also spends hours preparing couples for their weddings, hours preparing parents for their baby’s baptism, and hours visiting the bereaved. But his life is dedicated to solitude, prayer and meditation.

The Perfect Minister is always in the next town over! So if you think that our minister does not measure up, it has been suggested that we simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their minister. The idea is that we bundle up our minister and send him to the church at the top of our list. If everyone cooperates, in one week we will receive 1, 643 new ministers. One of them should be perfect. Have faith in this plan. One church broke the chain and got its old minister back in less than three months.
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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Readings Isaiah 51.1-6; Romans 12:1-8;  Matthew 16.13-20

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity  11
9.00a.m.Holy Communion – Longford
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion & Holy Baptism – Long Lane
2.00p.m. Holy Baptism – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Thursday 3.00p.m. Wedding – Longford
Next Sunday – Trinity 12
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Advance Notice
Sunday 10th September
11.00a.m. United Holy Communion at Church Broughton to mark the rector’s retirement. The service will be followed by a bring and share lunch in church

Sunday Groaner
Say again?
The foreign student fell in love, and wanted to say: ‘I am bent on seeing you…’ but he wrote: ‘the sight of you doubles me up.’
Politicians
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
Hymns for People Over 50
Give Me the Old Timers’ Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

When young children pray…

“Lead a snot into temptation.”

“And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

“Give us this day our jelly bread.”

“Our Father, who art in heaven, how didja know my name?”

Game rules
During the local football game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is?” The little boy nodded yes. “Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes.“Okay,” the coach continued, “do you also understand that when the referee makes a decision, you don’t argue or curse or threaten to attack him, right?”Again, the boy nodded vigourously.”Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 56.1,6-8; Romans 11.1-2a,29-32; Matthew 15.(10-20)21-28

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 10
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Friday Longford & Long Lane Farewell evening
Saturday Boylestone Show

Next Sunday – Trinity 1
9.00a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Baptism & Holy Communion – Long Lane
2.00p.m. Holy Baptism – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Advance Notice
Friday 1st September 12noon
Thanksgiving service for Rev David Rymer – Quarndon
Friday 8th September
7.30p.m. Sutton Harvest Supper

Sunday 3rd September
NB The service at Longford will be 12.15p.m. Holy Communion

Sunday 10th September
There will be a single united service for the benefice in Church Broughton at 11.00a.m. To mark the rector’s last Sunday in the benefice. This service will be followed by a bring and share lunch in church.

Sunday Groaner
Church notices that didn’t come out quite right…

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn-sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the church hall on Friday afternoon.

The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. All proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Golf

There was a clergyman who was an avid golfer. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golf, and the minister could not resist the temptation. He rang his assistant and told him he was too ill to attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognise him. Happily, he began to play the course. But an angel up above was watching the minister and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ‘Look at the minister. He should be punished for what he’s doing.’

God nodded in agreement. The minister teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The minister was amazed and overjoyed. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said: ‘Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.’ And God smiled. ‘Think about it; who can he tell?’

Observations on cats

Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)
Helpful signs

Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

In front of a church: Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings 1 Kings 19.9-18; Romans 10.5-15; Matthew 14.22-33

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 9
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Saturday
6.30p.m. Boylestone short farewell service

Next Sunday – Trinity 9
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Go on
The critic started to leave in the middle of the second act of the play. ‘Don’t go now,’ he pleaded. ‘I promise there’s a terrific kick in the next act.’
‘Fine’, was the retort. ‘Give it to the author.’
Music appreciation
The music critic enthused: “Here is Tchaikovsky at his best. Music so beautiful it has to be heard to be appreciated.”
A lot of music is like that.
Drama
“Did the play have an unhappy ending?”
“Oh no – everyone was glad when it was over!”
Spelling
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that’s incorrect.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 55.1-5; Romans 9.1-5; Matthew 14.13-21

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK

Today – Trinity 8
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Next Sunday – Trinity 9
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Sunday Groaner
On why the parish goes to war over pumpkin-growing

From The Rectory

St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren

Anyone who thinks that the English are a peaceful race has obviously never organised the annual pumpkin growing competition. Very regrettably, one of the Pilgrim Fathers sent a handful of pumpkin seeds to a relation in this parish in the 17th century and ever since, the church has been obliged to hold an annual competition to see who can grow the largest. I suspect some of the original recipients of those seeds still compete. There is a certain irony that the church, which is supposed to promote peace and harmony, sponsors the most war-like activity in the annual calendar.

Mobilisation starts at the beginning of the year when seeds are planted. From that moment on, every other potential entrant is regarded as the Enemy. Once seedlings are planted out, then heavy armaments are placed at boundaries to deter possible invasion. By late Spring, paranoia has taken over and rumours begin to circulate of espionage and sinister undetectable herbicides. Anyone in the village with a beard is looked on with deep suspicion.

In the weeks before the competition, homes, partners and children are abandoned, as contestants talk to their pumpkins by day and snuggle up with them at night. Should bad weather arrive at this point, then I am blamed for not having prayed sufficiently fervently for sunshine and light rain. If only I had such influence.

On the day before the show, tables are put out and woe betide anyone who places their cake stand where Mrs Cholmondeley has put her tea urn for the past 25 years; she now believes she has squatters rights to that place and any challenge to her claim would probably result in litigation.

I find this competitive spirit a little bemusing, as for the last 25 years, the Earl of Stowe has always won first prize. That his mother, the Dowager Countess, is the judge, is, I am sure, pure coincidence. That she has arrived for the past three years with a white stick and accompanied by a golden Labrador does, however, raise doubts.

To award the Earl any prize at all does seem a little unfair, when the only time he ever gets mud on his boots is when he falls off his horse while hunting. I suspect he would be hard pressed to find where the kitchen garden is on his estate. But to give any credit to his gardening staff would be seen as bad form, so we all keep quiet.

It has been tentatively suggested that another judge should be appointed, but no one has so far had the courage to step forward. They may have the privilege of nominating the winner, but would also have to face a twelve month period of hatred from all those who were not successful. Christmas card lists will be amended. Families may have sat next to them in church for generations, but would suddenly find it more congenial to worship in another part of the church. Letters would be strangely mis-delivered and the butcher’s boy would suddenly deliver lamb when pork had been ordered. Who could dare to take on such a poisoned chalice?

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

Sounds

Music festival as parent drops off teenagers…

Daughter: Did you ever hear anything so amazing as that band?

Father: Well, I once heard a collision between

a milk float and a little van filled with ducks.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings 1 Kings 3.5-12; Romans 8.26-39; Matthew 13.31-33,44-52

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 7
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long Lane
Next Sunday – Trinity 8
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Helpful signs
Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

In front of a church: Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

In the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

A sign advertising a Company-wide skiing race: Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.

Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

On a plumber’s van: We repair what your husband fixed.

Help from above
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the minister’s study and asked for help.
The minister came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.
“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 44.6-8; Romans 8.12-25; Matthew 13.24-30,36-43

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity  6
9.00a.m.Holy Communion  – Longford
NOTE TIME
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boyleston
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane NOTE TIME
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Monday
7.30p.m. Sutton PCC meeting

Next Sunday – Trinity 7
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
On the joys of exchanging parishes for the summer

From: The Rectory, St. John the Faster, Waterhouses-on-Sea

My dear Nephew Darren

You will see that I write to you this month from the Norfolk coast, where I am spending August, on an annual exchange of parishes with a clerical colleague. You may have had two weeks in July sunning yourself on an exotic beach on a Pacific island, but I am content with a bracing east wind, punctuated by heavy showers.

Come the happy day when you are an incumbent and have to arrange parish exchanges as a way of getting a holiday, let me give you some advice. First, always exchange with someone who is a worse preacher than you are and whose sermons are at least twice as long; you are then sure to be welcomed back with open arms.

Secondly, since it is normally assumed that you will take care of one another’s gardens during the month, make sure that the incumbent you exchange with has an insignificant plot. My colleague should now be largely occupied for most of the month mowing several acres of lawn. The only gardening I intend to do will be in the last week, so I can return with a car full of plums from his trees.

An exchange also gives one an opportunity to undertake helpful improvements in another’s home. I have discovered that my colleague’s library is carefully organised with books according to subject and then author. On his return he will find a new system in operation: they will be ordered according to size and colour. The poor man also naively thought I would never discover his stock of claret in the cellars; it will be much depleted on his return – although I shall naturally leave a note thanking him profusely for laying on such a splendid present for my visit.

Ministering to someone else’s congregation can create another opportunity. For one month in the year, you are able to say exactly what you want. If a dear lady should be foolish enough to ask you after Mattins what you think of her hat, you can tell her with total honesty, knowing that someone else will have to pour oil the following month. Upsetting organists, choristers, vergers, flower arrangers and anyone else who happens to cross your path can be bracingly therapeutic when you do not have to face the consequences.

You may have returned from sunnier climes relaxed and tanned, but I shall arrive at September refreshed from knowing I leave behind a trail of devastation and chaos, which will ensure that my host will also be welcomed back by a relieved congregation. Remember the golden rule of parishioners: every new incumbent is worse than his predecessor.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com