Readings  Acts 17.22-31; 1 Peter 3.13-22;  John 14.15-21
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 6th of Easter – Rogation Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Rogation Service & Walk     – Long Lane
This service begins in church and continues in the lanes and fields of the village with prayers for God’s blessing on the growing crops and our communities.
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Archdeacon’s Visitation – Etwall
Thursday – Ascension Day
7.00p.m. Holy Communion     – Church Broughton
Friday 6.00p.m. Sutton Fete
Next Sunday – 7th of Easter
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Sunday Groaner
On a very English sort of family… Throckmarsh Hall revisited
Readers of the St. James the Least letters have asked to know a little about the family history of the characters involved; it is a little unusual…
Many decades ago, Admiral Horatio and his wife the Honourable Mrs Chalfont-Morgan lived at Throckmarsh Hall, Gloucestershire. There they had two children, Eustace and Penelope.
Eustace followed a traditional path: public school, then Oxford. He was something of a disappointment to his father as careers in the armed forces, law or finance were clearly not appropriate to his temperament. Having sung in the school chapel choir and later been an occasional church attender, ordination into the Church of England seemed the only choice.
Eustace served his curacy in one of the more fashionable churches in central London, before becoming chaplain to the bishop of one of our ancient dioceses in southern England. His machiavellian talents made the life of the bishop so much easier that by way of reward, Eustace was comfortably settled into one of the pleasanter parishes in the Cotswolds, where he remained for the next 40 years. His eventual sudden death, the result of an apoplectic seizure, would happen when he read in “The Times” one morning over breakfast that one of his former curates had been appointed a bishop. But that is fortunately still some years off.
Penelope’s life was rather different. She was recalled from finishing school in Switzerland to become companion to her mother, on the death of her father while at sea. One day, while running errands in the local market town, she met Jack Crump, a second-hand car salesman from Liverpool. She eloped and they married. Within months, it was discovered that he was already married – to two other ladies. Unfortunately by this time, Penelope was pregnant and later gave birth to her only child, Darren.
One day many years later, Darren was cycling to his work at the local undertakers when he suddenly knew he was being called to ordination. After studying by correspondence course, he was ordained and served his curacy in an inner-city parish in the North West of England.
His only living relation was his uncle Eustace, who felt a duty to keep an eye on his innocent nephew. The two were less chalk and cheese, more Chateau d’Yquem and draught bitter. Uncle Eustace, with resigned determination, sent his young nephew a series of monthly letters, advising him on all aspects of parish ministry.
Darren later denied that it was these letters that eventually drove him to minister to natives in the remote forests of Brazil, far from any postman…
Breakable
There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country… ‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ answered the lady.
Morning prayer
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good Lord, it’ s morning.’
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Acts 7.55-60;  1 Peter 2.2-10;  John 14.1-14

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  5th of Easter
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – 6th of Easter – Rogation Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Rogation Service & Walk – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Church music
The vicar wrote in his parish magazine: We have been most fortunate this year with our choirmaster and organist. Both have been given appointments that will take them from us.
Out of order
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Seize the day
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.
Too-happy hour
Pewsheet notice: ‘We regret to announce that the “Ladies Happy Hour” is heavily in debt following their recent “Sponsored Silence”.
Windy
Three elderly ministers, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. The Methodist minister observed, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No’, the Baptist pastor said, ‘It’s Thursday.’ The Anglican vicar agreed: ‘So am I! Let’s go and get a pint.’
The end
Seen in a pew-sheet: Tim and Jessie were married on 29th April. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Youth group
Seen in a pew-sheet: Members of our youth group are washing cars in the church car park this Saturday. Please bring your car along so they can wash it for you. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Robes
Seen in a pew-sheet: Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Collect
Readings Acts 2.42-47; 1 Peter 2.19-25; John 10.1-10
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 4th of Easter
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service & Holy Baptism – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m.Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday 2.30p.m. Funeral of Brian Edward john Smith – Sutton
Tuesday 1.30p.m. Funeral of Michael Edward Young – Radbourne
Next Sunday – 5th of Easter
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Sunday Groaner
On the hazards of baptisms
The Rectory
St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren
Your new thermostatically controlled, underwater illuminated baptismal tank with wave simulation, for total immersions, sounds rather intimidating. I am slightly surprised you don’t have computer-generated doves flying overhead, in order to add that final touch of authenticity. I would imagine that to perform baptisms in your tank, you need a degree in electrical engineering as much as one in theology.
I do, however, agree with your Vicar’s decision to stop the practice of you performing these rituals in the river Mersey. It is one thing for your newly baptised to emerge from the waters filled with the Holy Spirit, and quite another to emerge filled with typhoid. Better to give them a baptismal certificate, rather than a free ride to the hospital for a stomach pump. The river Jordan may have been all very well for John the Baptist, but I expect that even he would hesitate at the river Mersey.
Had I baptised dear Miss Pemberton in the Mersey last month – at 93 years, taking the decision a little late in life (I did not attempt to hold her in one arm) – being a lady of such proportions, I suspect she would have constituted a shipping hazard.
I appreciate your suggestion that such procedures would look charming on the banks of our local Cotswold stream, but irrespective of our differing theologies, I would not want to be seen by parishioners in my bathing costume. Such apparel may be all very well when I am on holiday somewhere where I am totally unknown, but it hardly seems fitting for an honorary Canon in his parish.
I do concede that baptisms in medieval fonts can have their own particular problems. The plug in our own has never fitted properly, and so after filling it, I know I have precisely 16 minutes and 45 seconds to come to the actual baptism, otherwise the water has disappeared entirely. As I have discovered over the years, it is impossible to look dignified disappearing into the vestry half way through the Service in order to fetch a second bucket. For baptisms in winter, the presentation from Admiral Barnaby of the small silver hammer has been a great help in order to break the ice that slowly forms across the surface as the service proceeds.
In future, as you and your own candidates luxuriate in this heated baptismal spa, do spare a thought for those of us who maintain the true faith.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
Out of order
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Seize the day
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.
Too-happy hour
Pewsheet notice: ‘We regret to announce that the “Ladies Happy Hour” is heavily in debt following their recent “Sponsored Silence”.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Zephaniah 3:14-end; Acts 2:14a, 36-41; Luke 24:13-35

Notices for the week
Today – 3rd Sunday of Easter
10.30a.m. United Service – Boylestone Methodist Church
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
Monday
May Day Festival in Church Broughton
from noon
Saturday
1.00p.m. Long Lane School Spring Fair – at the school

Next Sunday – 4th Sunday of Easter
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service & Holy Baptism – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Sunday Groaner

What now?

An engineer, a manager, and a programmer were driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened out of control. Half way down they managed to stop by running the car against the embankment, narrowly avoiding the cliff’s edge.

Shaken by their narrow escape from death, the manager said, ‘So, we need to organise a committee, have meetings, exchange ideas, and develop a solution.’ The engineer disagreed: ‘We haven’t time. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.’ The programmer objected: ‘Nonsense! We must all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.’


Twitter
A man walked into a church and approached the minister. “I need help. I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The minister looked at him and said gently, “I’m so sorry, I don’t follow you.
Preach
When a minister rehearses his sermon, is he practising what he preaches?
Mr Bones
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and we, his staff, were helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and called, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, miss,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”


Christian dog

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a dog. But they wanted it to be a Christian dog. Down at the local animal sanctuary they were shown a dog that might be suitable, but the family decided to make sure. The father said: “Go fetch my Bible.” Obediently, the dog trotted to the car, grabbed the Bible off the front seat, and laid it at the feet of the man.

“Ah,” said the father, “he may know what the Bible is, but can he find his way around it?” He told the dog to find Psalm 23. The dog opened the Bible with his nose, and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.

“Ah,” said the father, “he may know the Bible, but is he baptized?” Immediately, the dog turned and jumped into the nearby stream, went under, and jumped out again.

“Ah,” said the father, “It may be baptized, but does he pray?” The dog immediately sat down, closed its eyes and waved its front paws in the air. “Wait a minute!” exclaimed the mother, outraged, “this dog is no good for us – he is Pentecostal!”


Letter to God

A Sunday School teacher invited her children to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a really good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”


Gone fishing

Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling vaguely guilty that they had skipped Sunday morning worship. To make matters worse, the fish were not biting.
The first angler finally observed: ‘Perhaps I should have just gone to church.’
To which the other replied: ‘I couldn’t have gone to church in any case, as my wife is home ill in bed.’

 

Readings  Acts 2.14a,22-32; 1 Peter 1.3-9; John 20.19-31

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 2nd of Easter
9.30a.m. Family Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford1
1.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
NO Evensong at Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Monday 7.30p.m. Sutton Annual Parochial Church Meeting preceded by Fete Planning meeting
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Church Broughton Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Vicarage
Friday 7.00p.m. Dalbury Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Next Sunday – 3rd of Easter
10.30a.m. United Service – Boylestone Methodist Church
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
Sunday Groaner
Mr Bones
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and we, his staff, were helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and called, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, miss,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!” The taxi
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ‘Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared me half to death!’

The passenger apologized and said he hadn’t realized that just a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, ‘You’re right. I’m sorry. Really, it’s not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.’

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Acts 10.34-43 OR  Jeremiah 31:1-6Colossians 3.1-4; John 20.1-18 OR Matthew 28:1-10

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m., Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Wednesday
7.30p.m. Longford Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Thursday 8.00p.m. Trusley Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Church
Next Sunday – 2nd of Easter
9.30a.m. Family Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
NO Evensong at Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Sunday Groaner

On the perils of letting the laity read the lessons

The Rectory

St James the Least of All

My dear Nephew Darren

It was good to see you last Sunday morning on your own home ground. The Service was interesting – although I have yet to recover from that period of frightful liturgical debauchery you call ‘passing the peace’. Why should I welcome total strangers grabbing my hand and smiling deep into my eyes? One lady would simply not let go – I had to shake her off.

As for the reading of the lessons, I was astonished that you allow members of the congregation (in shirtsleeves, too) to bring their own Bible to the front. It lacks any degree of solemnity and decorum. There should be a lectern Bible, preferably about four feet square in dimensions. And where was a suitable lectern? I admit that having a substantial brass eagle in your church would be like placing

Nelson’s Column in a Scout tent, but surely something suitable in wood could be found.

We have quite gone with the fashion here at St James the Least of All, and now have members of the laity – even women! – taking our Bible readings. The decision may have been a mistake. Our lectern stands at 6 feet; Miss Peckham stands at five feet. When she is reading, as far as the congregation can see, we have God’s Word being proclaimed by a straw hat bearing imitation fruit.

The Major’s reading at last Sunday’s Evensong was Numbers 22, and his adoption of different voices for the narrator, Balaam and Balak was acceptable, if a little theatrical. But his use of a fourth voice for the ass turned the occasion into pantomime – a point picked up by our choirboys. When the ass asked: ‘was I ever wont to do so unto thee’, the boys chorused ‘Oh yes you did’. (Surely it should have been “Oh yes thou didst’).

Mrs Smeed’s rendition of the genealogy at the start of Saint Matthew’s gospel clearly takes her back to the schoolroom. She sounded as if she is holding a roll call – and if Shealtiel were by any chance missing, she would demand a good explanation. Your loving uncle,

Eustace

What can I eat for Easter?

Can’t eat beef……mad cow.

Can’t eat chicken…… bird flu.

Can’t eat eggs….. Salmonellla.

Can’t eat pork…..fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis.

Can’t eat fish……. heavy metals in the waters.

Can’t eat fruits and veggies……. insecticides and herbicides.

Can’t eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice…….nasty carbs .

Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves…….chocolate.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

HOLY WEEK SERVICES

Monday 10th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Sutton

6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Tuesday 11th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Church Broughton

6.30p.m. Evensong – Boylestone

Wednesday 12th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Longford

6.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Maundy Thursday 13th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Trusley

6.30p.m. Evensong – Sutton

7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane

Good Friday 14th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone

10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00a.m. Devotional Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Evensong – Longford
Easter Eve Saturday 15th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Long Lane
7.00p.m. Evensong – Longford

Easter Day 16th April

9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton

11.00a.m Holy Communion – Sutton

11.15a.m Holy Communion – Longford

3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury

5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley

6.30p.m Holy Communion – Radbourne

7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane