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Monthly Archives: May 2014

ReadingActs 1.6-14; 1 Peter 4.12-14; 5.6-11; John 17.1-11

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today -7th Sunday of Easter
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton

9.30a.m.Mattins – Boylestone

10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Bropughton

11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton

11.00a.m. Mattins Trusley
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford

3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury

7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Wednesday 7.00p.m.Longford PCC
Saturday

Barn Dance – Elms Farm Thurvaston organised by Longford School PTA in aid of IT Equipment for the school on Saturday 7th June at 6.30p.m.. Live caller £10 including cowboy supper Under 12’s £7-50 pre schoolers free Tickets from school – (01335-330364) email info@longford.derbyshire.sch.uk

12.30p.m. Wedding – ChurchBroughton
Next Sunday – Pentecost
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane

9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton

11.00a.m. Holy Communion& Holy Baptism – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
2.00p.m. Radbourne Fete at the Old Rectory

5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone

6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Friday 13th June
6.00p.m. Longford Fete – Longford Grange

Saturday 21st June
3.00p.m. Teddy Bear Parachuting – Church Broughton
5.00p.m. Midsummer Madness& Duck Race – Boylestone

7.30p.m. Concert by Sitwell Singers – Longford – Tickets £8-00

We remember in our prayers

Today   Ascension Sunday
Chesterfield Deanery Rural Dean: Matthew Barnes, Lay Chair: David Iliffe
Monday Cuernavaca – (Mexico) The Rt Revd Enrique Treviño Cruz
Ashover and Brackenfield with Wessington Clergy: Ralph Lawrence; Readers: David Russell, Celia Kelly, Peggy Beak

Tuesday Curitiba – (Brazil) The Rt Revd Naudal Alves Gomes
Brampton St Mark Clergy: James Croft, Tim Rouke CA (Pioneer Minister); Reader: David Holmes
Wednesday Cuttack – (North India) The Rt Revd Dr Samson Das

Brampton St Thomas Clergy: Matthew Barnes, Ben Griffiths; Readers: James Wilson, Robin Dawson, Bill Galloway, Julie Lomas, Erica Clegg
Thursday   Cyangugu – (Rwanda) The Rt Revd Geoffrey Rwubusisi
Chesterfield Holy Trinity and Christ Church Clergy: David Horsfall; Readers: Alan Park (CA), Doris Gould, John Thurstan
Friday Cyprus and the Gulf – (Jerusalem & Middle East) The Rt Revd Michael Augustine Owen Lewis
Chesterfield SS Augustine Clergy: James Croft, Tim Rouke CA (Pioneer Minister); Reader: David Holmes
Saturday Daejeon – (Korea) The Rt Revd Michael Kwon
Chesterfield St Mary and All Saints Readers: J. Gascoyne

Sunday Groaner

Plant

During our priest’s very lengthy sermon, a large plant suddenly fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the floor. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Well, that’s the first time I actually put a plant to sleep.”
Reasons for marrriage

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was a vicar?”

“Not really,” I replied.

“Did you marry him because he was good-looking?”

“No, not that either,” I replied.

“Did you marry him for his money?”

“Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.”

“So,” he concluded sadly, “you just felt sorry for him.”

 

 

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

 

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Readings: Acts 17.22-31; 1 Peter 3.13-22; John 14.15-21
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 6th Sunday of Easter
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Rogation Service and Holy Baptism – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – TrusleyThursday – Ascensiuon Day
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
Next Sunday – 7th Sunday of Easter
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m.Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Bropughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.00a.m. Mattins Trusley
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance Notice
Barn Dance – Elms Farm Thurvaston organised by Longford School PTA in aid of IT Equipment for the school on Saturday 7th June at 6.30p.m.. Live caller £10 including cowboy supper Under 12’s £7-50 pre schoolers free Tickets from school – (01335-330364) email info@longford.derbyshire.sch.uk
Sunday 8th June
Radbourne Fete at the Old Rectory
Saturday 21st June3.00p.m. Teddy Bear Parachuting – Church Broughton
5.00p.m. Midsummer Madness& Duck Race – Boylestone
7.30p.m. Concert by Sitwell Singers – Longford – Tickets £8-00
We remember in our prayers
Today Pray for the work of the Anglican Centre in Rome
Bombay Prakash D Patole
Monday Colorado – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Robert O’Neill
Connecticut – (I, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Dr Ian Douglas
1. Suffragan Bishop of Connecticut – (I, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd James Curry
2. Suffragan Bishop of Connecticut – (I, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Laura Ahrens
Longstone, Curbar and Stoney Middleton Clergy: Christopher Benson, Lida Ellsworth
Tuesday Connor – (Armagh, Ireland) The Rt Revd Alan Francis Abernethy
Tideswell St John the Baptist Clergy:Simon White, Readers: Elizabeth Moore-Coulson, Richard Moore-Coulson, Nicola Pepper
Wednesday Cork, Cloyne & Ross – (Dublin, Ireland) The Rt Revd William Paul Colton
Wormhill St Margaret of Antioch
Thursday Costa Rica – (Central America) The Rt Revd Hector Monterroso Gonzalez
Youlgreave and Middleton, Stanton-in-Peak and Birchover Clergy:Garrie Griffiths; Readers: A. Elphick
Friday Coventry – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Christopher Cocksworth
Coventry – Warwick – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd John Stroyan
Mother’s Union
Saturday Cueibet – (Sudan) The Rt Revd Elijah Mutaney Awate
The Visit of the Blessed Virgin Mary to Elizabeth. Pray for all pregnant mothers and those who care for them inluding gynocologists, midwives & health visitors
Sunday Groaner
Tribute
The newly-arrived minister was asked to take a funeral at short notice. At one point in the service she said: “As I did not know the deceased, is there anyone here who would like to say a few words of tribute?” There was silence for several minutes and then a voice at the back was heard to say: “His brother was far worse.”
Found
On the church noticeboard: Contact lens found in church. See vicar. If you can.
Mistake
A mistake is proof that someone was at least trying to accomplish something.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Acts 7.55-60; 1 Peter 2.2-10; John 14.1-14
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 5th of Easter
8.00a.m.Holy Communion- Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Family Communion-Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Archdeacon’s Visitatioin – St John’s Ashbourne
Friday 2.30p.m. Longford School Service
Sutton Fete 6p.m on the Cricket Field
Next Sunday – 6th Sunday of Easter
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Rogation Service and walk – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Advance Notice
Barn Dance – Elms Farm Thurvaston organised by Longford School PTA in aid of IT Equipment for the school
On Saturday 7th June at 6.30p.m.. Live caller£10 including cowboy supper Under 12’s £7-50 pre schoolers free
Tickets from school – (01335-330364) email info@longford.derbyshire.sch.uk
Radbourne Fete Sunday 8th June at the old Rectory
We remember in our prayers
Today Melanesia The Most Revd David Vunagi Archbishop of Melanesia and Bishop of Central Melanesia
Bakewell and Eyam Deanery Rural Dean: Tony Kaunhoven, Lay Chair: E.H.Fraser-Smith
Monday Southern Cone & Bishop of Chile The Rt Revd Abelino Manuel Apeleo
Bakewell, Ashford in the Water
with Sheldon and Rowsley Clergy: Tony Kaunhoven, Aron Simpson; Readers: Caroline Storr, Pat Bryant, Gordon Mayer
Tuesday Chotanagpur – (North India) The Rt Revd B Baskey
Baslow and Eyam. Clergy: Adam Innes (Generational Pastor); Reader: Joanna Shapland
Wednesday Christ the King – (Southern Africa) The Rt Revd Peter Lee
Beeley and Edensor Clergy: David Perkins; Reader: SV Mather;
Thursday Christchurch – (Aotearoa NZ & Polynesia) The Rt Revd Victoria Matthews
Edale Holy and Undivided Trinity Clergy: Simon Cocksedge
Friday Chubu – (Japan) The Rt Revd Peter Ichiro Shibusawa
Hathersage with Bamford and Derwent and Grindleford Readers: Roger Mather, John Brunskill
Saturday Colombia – (IX, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Francisco Duque
Hope, Castleton and Bradwell Clergy: Ian Davies, Josephine Barnes; Reader: DH Hawkins
Sunday Groaner
Those memorable school reports…
What did your teachers say about your progress at school? The following were sent into the Daily Telegraph some years ago….
~ One of my French reports simply said: ‘Sheila attended the lessons’. – Sheila Blow, Surrey
~ My housemaster wrote: ‘He has an overdeveloped unawareness.’ – Ian Jones, Wirral
~ A friend’s son’s report said: ‘By the time he has mastered French, he will be too old to cross the Channel.’ – M Knaggs, Dorset
~ My teacher observed: ‘The improvement in his handwriting has revealed his inability to spell.’ – Colin Sutherland, Switzerland
~ My teacher was a realist: ‘I am sorry to have to tell you that he is doing his best.’ Stan Proctor, Surrey
For sale
Classified Ad: Wedding dress for sale. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

ReadingsActs 2.42-47; 1 Peter 2.19-25;  John 10.1-10
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 4th of Easter
8.30a.m.Holy Communion- Long Lane
9.30a.m. Family Communion-Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Saturday
1.00p.m. Long Lane School Fair
5.00p.m. Remembering 100 years Concert – Longford
Next Sunday – 5th of Easter
8.00a.m.Holy Communion- Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Family Communion-Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance Notice
Tuesday 20th May7.30p.m. Archdeacon’s Visitation – St John’s Ashbourne
Sutton Fete Friday 23rd May 6p.m on the Cricket Field
Radbourne Fete Sunday 8th June at the old Rectory
We remember in our prayers
Today Korea The Most Revd Paul Kim Primate of the Anglican Church of Korea and Bishop of Seoul
Monday Chandigarh – (North India) The Rt Revd Joel Mal
Tuesday Chelmsford – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Stephen Geoffrey Cottrell
Chelmsford – Barking – (Canterbury, England) The Ven Peter Hill
Chelmsford – Bradwell – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd John Wraw
Chelmsford – Colchester – (Canterbury, England) The Ven Anthony Brett Morri
Wednesday Chennai (Form. Madras) – (South India) The Rt Revd Dr Vedanayagam Devasahayam –
Thursday Chester – (York, England) The Rt Revd Dr Peter Robert Forster
Chester – Birkenhead – (York, England) The Rt Revd Keith Sinclair
Chester – Stockport – (York, England) The Rt Revd Vacant
Friday Chhattisgarh – (North India) Vacant
Saturday Chicago – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Jeffrey Lee
Assisting Bishop of Chicago – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd John Buchanan
Sunday Groaner
God’s thoughts on lawns
GOD:  Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.   What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS:  It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:   Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:   The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:   They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:   They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away GOD:   Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:    Yes, Sir.
GOD:   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:     You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:   What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:   No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:   And where do they get this mulch? ST FRANCIS:    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:   Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore.     St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:    “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord.     It’s a story about….
GOD:   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Acts 2.14a,36-41; 1 Peter 1.17-23; Luke 24.13-35
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 3rd of Easter
8.00a.m.Holy Communion-ChurchBroughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m.Family Service-Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – L:ongford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday Church Broughton May Day
Next Sunday – 4th of Easter
8.30a.m.Holy Communion- Long Lane
9.30a.m. Family Communion-Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Advance Notice
Saturday, 17th May5.00p.m. Remembering 100 years Concert – Longford
We remember in our prayers
Today Kenya The Most Revd Dr Eliud Wabukala Primate and Archbishop of All Kenya
Melbourne Deanery Rural Dean: Tony Luke, Lay Chair: M.E. Evadne Robbins
Monday Central Pennsylvania – (III, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Nathan Baxter
Allenton and Shelton Lock, St Edmund Clergy: Maureen Demler ( Asst Deacon);
Tuesday Central Philippines – (Philippines) The Rt Revd Dixie Copanut Taclobao
Alvaston, St Michael and All Angels Clergy: Colin Pearson, Judy Henderson Smith
Wednesday Central Solomons – (Melanesia) The Rt Revd Ben SekaAston on Trent, Elvaston, Weston-on Trent and Shardlow,Barrow upon Trent with Twyford and
Swarkstone Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate; Readers: Suzanne Williams, Alan Winfield, Bruce Ward
Thursday Central Tanganyika – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Godfrey Mdimi Mhogolo
Boulton, St Mary Clergy: Tim Wright; Readers: David
Rawlings, Susan Duffill, Cheryl Baxter, Marie Hall, Celia Walters
Friday Central Zambia – (Central Africa) The Rt Revd Derek Gary Kamukwamba
Chelleston, St Peter Clergy: Jane (BJ) Facey;
Readers: Amanda Sandland, Rachel Harrison,
Lesley Nelson;
Saturday Central Zimbabwe – (Central Africa) The Rt Revd Ishmael Mukuwanda
Derby, St Andrew with St Osmund Clergy: Maureen
Demler ( Asst Deacon)
Sunday Groaner
Parking space
Angus was driving down the street worried because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. So, looking up toward heaven, he said “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whisky.” A moment later, miraculously, a parking place appeared. Angus looked up again and said, “Never mind. I found one.”
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com