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Monthly Archives: August 2014

Readings Jeremiah 15.15-21; Romans 12.9-21; Matthew 16.21-28
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today  –  Trinity 11
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – St Chad’s, Barton Blount
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Church Broughton PCC – Vicarage
Thursday 10.15a.m. Funeral of Margaret Collard – Long Lane
Next Sunday – Trinity 12
8.00a.m.Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today     The Most Revd Hector Zavala Muñoz Presiding Bishop of the Southern Cone & Bishop of Chile
Glossop Deanery. Rural Dean: Tony Kaunhoven, Lay Chair: Peter Collard
Monday   Gombe – (Jos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Henry Ndukuba
Charlesworth-with-Gamesley and Dinting Vale Clergy: Robert Heeley, Ian Stubbs, Felicity Walters; Readers: Janet Procter, Lynda Staples; Tuesday    Grafton – (New South Wales, Australia) The Rt Revd Sarah Macneil
Glossop All Saints Clergy: Ian Stubbs, Robert Heeley, Norman Shaw, Felicity Walters
Wednesday     Grahamstown – (Southern Africa) The Rt Revd Ebenezer Ntlali
Hadfield St Andrews Clergy: Felicity Walters, Ian Stubbs, Robert Heeley; Readers: Nicola Goodhew, John Roberts, Vincent Ryder
Thursday   Guildford – (England) Vacant
Guildford – Dorking – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Ian James Brackley
Hayfield and Chinley with Buxworth Clergy: Hilary Edgerton; Readers: Mary Parker, Geoffrey Carrier
Friday   Guinea – (West Africa) The Rt Revd Jacques Boston
New Mills St George Clergy: John Baines, John
Overton; Readers: Martyn Long, Thyra Long, T.B. Spires
Saturday  Gujarat – (North India) The Rt Revd Silvans Christian
Whitfield St James Clergy: Andrew Hargreaves; Readers: Stephen Mitchell. A.W. Wilson;
Sunday Groaner
What they say
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took Holy Communion. On every occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?” Mum would always lean over and whisper something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”
Dream
Politician: “I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.”
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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Readings Isaiah 43.8-13; Acts 5.12-16; Luke 22.24-30
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – St Bartholomew
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong -Trusley
Next Sunday – Trinity 11
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – St Chad’s, Barton Blount
We remember in our prayers
Today Southern Africa The Most Revd Dr Thabo Makgoba Archbishop of Capetown and Primate of Southern Africa
Bartholomew the Apostle
Monday George – (Southern Africa) The Rt Revd Brian Marajh
East Scarsdale Team Ministry Clergy: John Draycott, June Palmer; Readers: Edna Bevan, Keith Bingley
Tuesday Georgia – (IV, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Scott Benhase
Eckington and Ridgeway Clergy: Ian Price, Sandra Marshall; Stewards: Margaret Dye, Brian Clewes, Janice Walmsley
Wednesday Gippsland – (Victoria, Australia) Vacant
Elmton St Peter Readers: Lynne Parker
Thursday Gitega – (Burundi) The Rt Revd John Nduwayo
Killamarsh St Giles Clergy: Helen Guest, Michael Guest; Readers: J.L. Hall, Christine Beach
Friday Glasgow & Galloway – (Scotland) The Rt Revd Dr Gregor Duncan
Staveley and Barrow Hill Team Ministry Clergy: Stephen Jones
Saturday Gloucester – (Canterbury, England) Vacant
Gloucester – Tewkesbury – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Martyn James Snow
Whitwell St Lawrence. Readers: Lynne Parker
Sunday Groaner
On the perils of ‘standing in’ for another vicar
The Rectory
St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
You should not complain about doing duty in other churches when their clergy are on holiday. It is only in other churches that you will be appreciated. Beatification only comes from your own church on the day you leave – which is a way of firing a shot across the bows of your successor. I remember being greeted by a churchwarden on my first day here at St. James the Least with the encouraging words: ‘I’ve seen six Rectors of this parish; each one was worse than the last.’ As the years have gone by, I am sure I will have entirely fulfilled his expectations.
No; when you visit another church, you will be told all the many defects of their own vicar, and whatever you do will be praised. Store up these memories for the day you return to your own patch – when you will then be told how outstanding your own temporary replacement has been and how congregations thrived in your absence.
Naturally, this gives you the right to make similar remarks about your own congregation in the churches you visit. Unfavourable comparisons with the bell ringers, vergers and congregational singing in your home patch to the superb standards in the church you’re temporarily serving will be much appreciated. Just make sure that the church you are staffing is sufficiently far from your own that word will not get back to your home team.
It is a mistake I made only once. After filling in for a colleague, I happened to complement the choir on the singing of the anthem. Unknown to me, a tenor was the second cousin of my organist, who received a rather embellished story that I had compared my own choir back home unfavourably with theirs. On my return the following Sunday, all the hymns were played fortissimo and at double speed and the choir in rotation dropped hymn books throughout my sermon.
Inevitably, when you staff another church, you will be told: ‘It’s the normal Service.’ It will be nothing of the sort. Hymns will appear in unexpected places, Sunday schools will enter and leave (and enter again) apparently at random, objects will be brought to you to be read from, placed on the altar or blessed – just as you were about to try and find the pulpit. In any case, wherever you are standing, you will find you should have been standing somewhere else. But not to worry – most mistakes will be forgiven – provided your sermon is short.
So – enjoy your visits to other churches. And above all, make sure that your temporary replacement is so spectacularly incompetent that your own people will welcome you back with open arms on your return.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
Hymns for People Over 50
Give Me the Old Timers’ Religion
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked The Car
Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
Blessed Insurance
It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
promising it would never happen again.
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 56.1,6-8; Romans 11.1-2a,29-32; Matthew 15.(10-20)21-28
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 9

8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion -Trusley
7.00.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday
7.15p.m. Boylestone PCC
Saturday Boylestone Show
Next Sunday – Trinity 10
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong -Trusley
We remember in our prayers
Today
Church of South India (United) Kanyakumari – (South India) The Rt Revd Gnanasigamony Devakadasham Bolsover and Staveley Deanery Rural Dean: Helen Guest, Lay Chair: Christine Holmes-Elener
Monday Fond du Lac – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Matthew Alan Gunter
Ault Hucknall and Scarcliffe
Tuesday Fort Worth – (VII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd C Wallis Ohl
Barlborough and Renishaw Clergy: Stephen Short, Michael Guest, Helen Guest; Readers: Christine Beach
Wednesday Fredericton – (Canada, Canada) The Most Revd Claude Weston Miller
Coadjutor Bishop – (Canada, Canada) Archdeacon David Edwards
Bolsover St Mary and St Laurence. Clergy: Rachel Gouldthorpe; Readers: Andrew Yeomans;
Thursday Freetown (Sierra Leone) – (West Africa) The Rt Revd Thomas Arnold Ikunika Wilson Brimington St Michael and All Angels Clergy: Daniel Cooke
Friday Gahini – (Rwanda) The Rt Revd Alexis Bilindabagabo
Calow and Sutton-cum-Duckmanton. Clergy: Kevin Ball;
Saturday Gboko – (Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Emmanuel Nyitsse
Clowne St John the Baptist Clergy: Stephen Short

Sunday Groaner
On the absurdity of a vicar ever retiring

The Rectory St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
Beware of being invited by bishops to drop round for a chat. My first mistake was to answer the phone when he rang; what are answerphones for, but to avoid having to talk to anyone – ever. My second mistake was not to be able to think of a meeting I had to attend – preferably on another planet – on the day he suggested. I therefore found myself in his study, waiting for the point of the meeting while we negotiated the obligatory five minutes discussing the weather and his summer holiday in France. I made it quite clear that I had been far too busy to swan off to foreign parts – although I suspect the implication of what I said passed him by.
We then got to the point. He was toying with the thought of my retirement and linking us with the adjoining parish of St. Agatha’s. I patiently explained, using simple words and speaking slowly for his benefit, that at 85 and with 40 years at St. James the Least, I was just getting into my stride and that the vicar of St. Agatha’s, a stripling at 63, had nowhere near enough experience to organise the hymn list, let alone two parishes. This, too, seemed to drift somewhere above his head.
He had clearly done his homework. There were already plans for my Queen Anne rectory to be sold and the 5 acres of garden be turned into a housing estate. This news would be received by our parishioners with as much equanimity as if they were told that Buckingham Palace was to be converted into a sports centre.
The matter, I was told, was confidential – which meant that I only relayed the news to one parishioner at a time. By the end of the day everyone in the village knew and a counter attack was being planned. Inevitably, the most outraged were those who never attend church. People do so love having a church not to go to. Congregations have soared, gardeners are being brought in to tidy the rectory grounds and the church council is now well attended. The latter is a mixed blessing, as I always think that the time to get worried is when people start to turn up to meetings.
It may surprise our bishop, but the threat of a merger has been the greatest impetus to mission we’ve had in years. Retirement indeed; I’m sure Zadok was never asked about his pension plans.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
Horse
A minister trained his horse to go when he said: ‘Praise the Lord’, and to stop when he said; ‘Amen’. One day he was out for a gallop when he saw a deep gorge ahead. He kept shouting ‘Amen!’, and finally the horse stopped. The minister was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said a heartfelt: “Praise the Lord!”
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings 1 Kings 19.9-18; Romans 10.5-15;  Matthew 14.22-33 
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 8
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m.Mattins- Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion -Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30.m. Evensong – Longford
Saturday Boylestone Show
Next Sunday – Trinity 9
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion -Trusley
7.00.m. Evensong – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today South East Asia The Most Revd Bolly Lapok Archbishop of South East Asia & Bishop of Kuching
Pioneer Ministers. Beth Honey, David Battison, Mark Broomhead
Monday Ezo – (Sudan) The Rt Revd John Kereboro Zawo
Riddings and Ironville Clergy: Frank Mercurio
Tuesday Faisalabad – (Pakistan) The Rt Revd John Samuel
Somercotes St Thomas Clergy: Peter Davies
Wednesday False Bay – (Southern Africa) The Rt Revd Margaret Brenda Vertue
South Normanton St Michael & All Angels. Clergy: Stephen M Potter;
Thursday Suffragan Bishop for Federal Ministries – (The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd James Magness
Swanwick and Pentrich Clergy: Carole Lloyd; Readers: Maurice Greasley, Mary Bennett, Brian Kirkland, Carole Kirsopp, Victor Binks
Friday Fianarantsoa – (Indian Ocean) The Rt Revd Gilbert Rateloson Rakotondravelo
The Blessed Virgin Mary
Saturday Florida – (IV, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd John Howard Assisting Bishop of Florida – (IV, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Charles Keyser
Retreat Houses
Sunday Groaner
So far so good
So far today, God, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I’m really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed and from then on I’m going to need a lot more help. Thank you. In Jesus name. Amen
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

ReadingsIsaiah 55.1-5; Romans 9.1-51; Matthew 14.13-21
Alternative Readings Isaiah 55:6-end; Luke 19.41–44
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity7
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Service to mark 100th anniversary of the outbreak of World War 1 – Sutton
11.00a.m. Mattins -Trusley
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Saturday 12noon. Wedding – Longford
Next Sunday – Trinity 8
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m.Mattins- Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion -Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30.m. Evensong – Longford
We remember in our prayers
Today Scottish Episcopal Church The Most Revd David Chillingworth Primus
Alfreton Rural Dean: Philip Brooks, Lay Chair: Edward Latham
Monday Enugu – (Niger, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Dr Emmanuel Chukwuma
Alfreton St Martin Clergy: Frank Mercurio; Readers: Margaret Cook, Peter Singleton;
Tuesday Enugu North – (Niger Delta, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Sosthenes Eze
Blackwell with Tibshelf Clergy: Gill Manley, Derek Hesketh, Sally Mason; Reader: Robert eedham;
Wednesday Esan – (Bendel, Nigeria) The Most Revd Friday Imaekhai
Etche – (Niger Delta, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Precious Nwala
The Transfiguration of our Lord
Thursday Etsako – (Bendel, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jacob Bada
Friday Evo – (Niger Delta, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Innocent Ordu
Crich and South Wingfield Clergy: Philip Brooks, David Higgon, James Gray; Readers:Diana Marshall, Diane Fretwell, Dennis Hooton
Saturday Exeter – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Robert Atwell
Exeter Crediton – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Nick McKinnel
Exeter – Plymouth – (Canterbury, England) Vacant
Crich and South Wingfield Clergy: Philip Brooks, David Higgon, James Gray; Readers: Diana Marshall, Diane Fretwell, Dennis Hooton
Sunday Groaner
Drowned
Sadly, my friend drowned this summer in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Oops
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com