Archive

Monthly Archives: December 2014

Readings Jeremiah 31.15-17; 1 Corinthians 1.26-29;  Matthew 2.13-18
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Holy Innocents
10.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Monday

12.,45p.m. Memorial Service for Quintin Beattie – Dalbury (following cremation)
Tuesday
10.00a.m. Burial of Reginald Stanley Yeomans – Radbourne
Friday
12noon  Cremation of James Reginald Barker – Markeaton
Next Sunday –  Kept as Epiphany
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Trusley
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long LaneWe remember in our prayers
Today  Kushtia – (Bangladesh) The Rt Revd Sunil Mankhin
Pray for all children, particularly those who have suffered any form of abuse. Pray for those working to support them
Monday Kwara – (Kwara, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Olusegun Adeyemi
Kutigi – (Lokoja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jeremiah Kolo
Retired Clergy
Tuesday Kwoi – (Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Paul Zamani
Funeral Directors
Wednesday Kyoto – (Japan) The Rt Revd Stephen Takashi Kochi
Pune Andrew Bhachiraj Rathod
Thursday  Kyushu – (Japan) The Rt Revd Luke Ken-ichi Muto
Friday Lafia – (Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Miller Maza
Saturday Lagos – (Lagos, Nigeria) The Most Revd Ephraim Ademowo
Pune Andrew Bhachiraj Rathod
For those with New Year’s Resolutions in mind…
When you flee from temptation, be sure not to leave a forwarding address. – anon
You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. – James Allen
Gluttons dig their graves with their teeth. – anon
Looking back is fatal – the truest thing in scripture is what happened to Lot’s wife. – William J Locke
Sunday Groaner
Murphy’s Laws of Work
For success in your work throughout 2015, just remember:-
1 Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’
2 To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
3 Important documents that contain no errors will get lost in the post.
4 There’s not enough time to do it right the first time, but there’s always time to do it over.
5 If you are good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you’ll get out of it.
6 If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
7 The longer the title, the less important the job.
8 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
The week after the month before
After a hectic December full of Christmas events at the church, the vicar went wearily into the chemist’s shop. He asked: ‘Have you got anything for laryngitis?’
The chemist replied: ‘Good morning sir. What can I do for you?’
Visit
A parishioner called the vicar during a power-cut caused by a blizzard and said she urgently needed a pastoral home visit. “I’m sorry, but I can’t get out because of the heavy snow,” the vicar explained.
Unsatisfied, she barked, “But I can’t watch TV! So what else am I supposed to do?”The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Advertisements

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!
First Reading Isaiah 9.2-7 or Isaiah 62.6-12 or Isaiah 52.7-10
Second Reading Titus 2.11-14 or Titus 3.4-7 or Hebrews 1.1-4(5-12)
Gospel Luke 2:1-14(15-20) or Luke 2.(1-7)8-20 or John 1.1-14

Notices for the week
Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service-Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion     – Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Next Sunday – (after Christmas)
10.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Christmas Groaner
The Twelve Days of Christmas (or Everlasting Turkey)
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me“
I’m so glad we bought a turkey and a proper Christmas Tree”
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard
As we tucked into our turkey – a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we’d friends in from next door,
The turkey tasted just as good as it had the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas, Gran came – she’s rather old.
We finished up the Christmas pud – and the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried,
But we were nice and warm inside – we ate the turkey curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died.
The children fought and bickered – we ate the turkey fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave a wince
When he sate down for dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eight day of Christmas, the dog ran off for shelter,
I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of alkaseltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas by lunchtime Dad was blotto.
He knew that bird was back again – this time as a risotto.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the air was rather blue
As everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Christmas tree was moulting,
With chilli and spicy sauce, the turkey was revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas we had smiles on our lips
The guests had gone – the turkey too.
We dined on fish and chips!
Snowman
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? – Frostbite.
Wise
A little boy rushed home from school and said excitedly: “I got a part in the Christmas play!”
“What part?” asked his mother.
“I’m one of the three wise guys!”
The Christmas stars
Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be as the clocks chimes midnight on Christmas Eve. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. Stronger
Statistics prove we’re all getting stronger. Fifty years ago you needed an estate car to hold £50 worth of Christmas presents. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry £20 worth of Christmas groceries – now a five-year-old can do it.
Top ten things to say about a Christmas gift you don’t like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Well, well, well …
8. Oh dear. If I had not recently shot up four sizes that would’ve fit.
7. This will be perfect for wearing around the garage.
6. Goodness. I hope this never catches fire! Though, there are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire if I go out in it.
3. Sadly, I am allergic to whatever this is made of.
2. To think – I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. What have I done to deserve this?
The Parish Pump can be found on the
internet at  (note changed address) https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings 2 Samuel 7.1-11,16; Romans 16.25-27; Luke 1.26-38
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Advent 4
9.30a,.m.  Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service in opreparation for Chriostmas – Longford
12noon. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Carol Service – Long Lane
Monday
6.30p.m. Carol Singing around Church Broughton – meet outside the Holly Bush
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Trusley
Tuesday
6.30p.m. Carol Singing around Sutton – meet at the Old Vicarage
Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service – Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Next Sunday- Sunday after Christmas – Holy Innocents
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long LaneWe remember in our prayers
Today
Kontagora – (Lokoja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jonah Ibrahim
Phulbani Bijay K Nayak
Monday
Kootenay – (British Columbia & the Yukon, Canada) The Most Revd John Elswood Privett
Wilne and Draycott with Breaston Clergy: Christopher Smedley, Maria Przeslawski, Gary Dundas; Readers: April McIntyre, Ruth Pechey
Tuesday
The Most Revd Govada Dyvasirvadam Moderator of CSI & Bishop of Krishna-Godavari
Social Services
Wednesday Kubwa – (Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Duke Akamisoko
Christmas Eve
Thursday  The Most Revd Bolly Lapok Archbishop of South East Asia & Bishop of Kuching
Assistant Bishop of Kuching – (South East Asia) The Rt Revd Aeries Sumping Jingan
Christmas Day
Friday The Most Revd Dr Daniel Sarfo Primate & Metropolitan, CPWA; Archbishop of the Internal province of Ghana and Bishop of Kumasi
Stephen, Deacon, First Martyr Pray for all who suffer persecution because of their faith
Saturday Kumi – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Thomas Irigei
John, Apostle and Evangelist
Sunday Groaner
Christmas carols
One night as Christmas approached, some friends decided to go carol singing. A man answered the door of one house, and gasped as they launched into the opening lines of the first carol. Within half a minute, he looked stricken. Soon tears were welling up in his eyes. The carollers sang and sang, and the man looked more and moved by what he heard. At last the carollers stopped, and one ventured: “I understand – you are sad because our singing reminds you of your happy childhood Christmas days.” The man looked at her with misery in his eyes. “No,” he whispered back. “It’s just that I am a musician!”
Christmas gifts
Grandfather was talking to his grand-daughter, “When I was a child all we got for Christmas was an apple and an orange.” The little girl clapped her hands in joy. “Brilliant! I’d love a new computer and a mobile!”
Christmas shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benign mood as he asked the prisoner what he was charged with. “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the man.
“Why, that’s no offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing it?”
“Before the store opened,” replied the defendant.The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Isaiah 61.1-4,8-11; 1 Thessalonians 5.16-24; John 1.6-8,19-28
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Advent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communiopn – Long Lane
9.30a,.m.  Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.mn. Carol Service – Longford
Tuesday
2.00p.m. School Carol Serevice – Church Broughton
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Church Broughton
Wednesday
11.00a.m. School CarolService – Long Lane
1.30p.m. Funeral of William Sessions – Long Lane
Friday
2.30p.m. School Carol Service – Longford
7.00p.m. Carol Service- Boylestone
Next Sunday-  Advent 4
8.30a.m. Holy Communiopn – Sutton
9.30a,.m.  Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service in opreparation for Chriostmas – Longford
12noon. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Sutton7.00p.m. Carol Service – Long LaneOthewr Christmas ServicesMonday 22nd December7.00p.m. Carol Service – Trusley
Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service – Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
We remember in our prayers
Today  Kitgum – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Benjamin Ojwang
Patna The Most Revd Dr P P Marandih
Monday Kitui – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Josephat Mule
Long Eaton, St Laurence Clergy: Roger Jupp. Peter Bolton;
Tuesday Kivu – (Rwanda) The Rt Revd Augustin Ahimana
Ockbrook with Borrowash, All Saints Clergy: Tim Sumpter, Val Billings; Readers: Robert Russell, Mike Allen;
Wednesday  Kobe – (Japan) The Rt Revd Andrew Yatuka Nakamura
Sandiacre, St Giles Clergy: Olaf Trelenberg, KenJohnson;
Thursday   Koforidua (Ghana) – (West Africa) The Rt Revd Francis Quashie
Sawley, All Saints Clergy: Tony Street; Readers: Rosemary Moakes, Richard Henderson-Smith, L.M. Thompson
Friday Kolhapur – (North India) The Rt Revd Bathuel Tiwade
Stanton-by-Dale with Dale Abbey and Risley Clergy: Glyn Lucas; Readers: Ralph Homer, Edward Lester, Rachel Hobbs
Saturday   Kondoa – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Given Gaula
West Hallam and Mapperley
with Stanley Clergy: Ingrid Owen-Jones, Richard Styles; Reader: Janice Hutchinson
Sunday Groaner
What would you like for Christmas?
A little girl went to visit Father Christmas in the local garden centre grotto. He welcomed her with a smile and the question of what she would like for Christmas. The little girl gasped, and stared up at him in horror. “Didn’t you get my email?!”
What do you get Dad?
December is the month when the family begins to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some argue for a shirt; others hold out for a pair of socks. But the argument usually ends in a tie.
Church rules
Six year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel sat together for the Christmas concert in church. Joel kept giggling and whispering until his big sister had had enough. “Be quiet in church!”
“Why?” Joel demanded. “Who is going to make me?” Angie pointed to the back of the church and said: “See those two big men standing at the door? They’re hushers.”
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

You are invited to our special Christmas Services:-
Sunday 14th December
3pm Carol Service with the Derby Choristers in St Andrew’s, Radbourne
6.30pm Carol Service with the Long Lane Choir in St Chad’s, Longford
Tuesday, 19th December
7.30p.m. Carol Service with the Boylestone Singers in St.Michael & All Angels’, Church Broughton
Friday 19th December
7.00p.m. Carol Service with the Boylestone Singers in St John the Baptsist’s, Boylestone
Sunday 21st December
10am Family Service in preparation for Christmas in St Chad’s, Longford
3p.m. Carol Service with the Long Lane Choir  in All Saints’, Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Carol Service with the Long Lane Choir in Christ Church, Long Lane
Monday 22nd December
7.30p.m. Carol Service with the Derby Choristers in All Saints’, Trusley
Christmas Eve
5p.m. Crib Service in St.Michael & All Angels’, Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Midnight Holy Communion in St.Michael & All Angels’, Church Broughton
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion in St John the Baptist’s, Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion in All Saints’, Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion in All Saints’, Trusley

Readings Isaiah 40.1-11; 2 Peter 3.8-15a; Mark 1.1-8
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today  -Advent 2
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m.Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Christingle Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
2.00p.m. WI Carol Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Tuesday 2.30p.m & 6.30p.m.Long Lane School Nativity play in church
Saturday Dalbury Christmas Lunch – Laurels farm, Burnaston Ring 01332-732360 to book
Next Sunday-  Advent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communiopn – Long Lane
9.30a,.m.  Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.mn. Carol Service – Longford
We remember in our prayers
Today  Kinkiizi – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Dan Zoreka
Erewash Deanery Rural Dean:Peter Davey, Lay Chair: Brian Parker
Monday ;The Most Revd Kahwa Henri Isingoma Archbishop of the Congo & Bishop of Kinshasa
Suffragan Bishop of Kinshasa – (Congo) The Rt Revd Molanga Jean Botola
Cotmanhay and Shipley, Christ Church  Clergy: Peter Davey; Reader: Barbara Clayton
Tuesday  Kirinyaga – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Joseph Kibuchua
Ilkeston, Holy Trinity Clergy: Roger Jupp, Peter Bolton
Wednesday  Kisangani – (Congo) The Rt Revd Lambert Botolome
Ilkeston, St John the Evangelist
Thursday   Kita Kanto – (Japan) The Rt Revd Zerubbabel Katsuichi HirotaI
lkeston, St Mary the Virgin Clergy: Michael Petitt; Readers: Andrea Swarbrick, David Beecroft
Friday  Kitale – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Stephen Kewasis
Kirk Hallam, All Saints Clergy: Christine French, Rachel Thompson
Saturday  Kiteto – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Isaiah Chambala
Long Eaton, St John Clergy: Philip Waller, Rachel Hawkins; Reader: Sarah Ray Sunday Groaner
On why Carol Services are so dangerous
The Rectory
St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
So: you are excited about being invited to plan your first Carol Service. The dangers involved are only slightly less than being invited to judge the best cake made by the Ladies’ Group. You seem to have no idea of the lifelong offence you will inevitably cause. In decades to come when you will either be a seasoned old clergyman – or more likely a double glazing salesman – you will be remembered as “the Curate who offended Mrs Smith.”
First, you have to decide which groups are going to be represented to give the readings. If the Brownies were asked last year, then it has to be the Cubs this time. But don’t forget that every third year, the Boys’ Brigade must be asked, or they will take their revenge and get their flag tangled in the nave chandelier come Remembrance Sunday. If someone represents the choir, then over a four year period, all four voice parts must be called on – and if the organist isn’t asked on the fifth year, then all hymns subsequently will be played at double speed and with one verse missing. Should one person have been invited to read for two successive years, then their annual appearance thereafter will be taken as an inalienable right for the rest of their lifetime – and probably longer than that. To drop them may well invoke legal proceedings,
Then there is the batting order to be considered. Someone from the church council will take it as a deliberate slight if they are placed lower in the order than a representative of the Men’s Fellowship and so self-respecting bell ringer would voluntarily follow a brass cleaner.
If you do not specify where they should read from and how the readings should end, then a form of ecclesiastical inflation will happen. If the first reader speaks from the chancel step, the next one will go to the lectern; after the sanctuary and pulpit have been utilised, the final reader will probably ask you to move so he can take your place. The variations on “Here endeth”, “This is the Word of the Lord”, and “Thanks be to God”, are endless and will increase in length as the Service progresses. The final reader will probably end with a lengthy exegesis on what he thinks the passage means, correcting whatever you said in your sermon.
I once made the mistake of not telling all readers which Bible translation to use. One, an Old Testament expert, therefore decided to read in Hebrew. Not to be outdone, another read her Gospel passage in Greek – apologising beforehand that it may not be a perfect rendering, as she was spontaneously translating it from the English. And some say Christians are not competitive.
You have two alternatives: either repeat last year’s Service without any alteration, saying that it could not be improved, or design your own – and then take Christmas off.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com