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Monthly Archives: March 2015

Readings Acts 10.34-43;  OR Isaiah 25:6-96; 1 Corinthians 15.1-11 OR  Acts 10:34-43; John 20.1-18   OR Mark 16.1-8
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Radbourne Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Next Sunday – 2nd of Easter
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – LongfordWe remember in our prayers
Today Easter Day
Monday  Multan – (Pakistan) The Rt Revd Leu Paul
Handley St Mark Clergy: Ralph Lawrence;
Tuesday Mumbai (Form. Bombay) – (North India) The Rt Revd Prakash Patole
Hasland in Plurality with Temple Normanton Clergy: Malcolm Ainscough; Readers: Stephen Wright, Kay Duckett;
Wednesday  Mumias – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Beneah Salalah
Heath All Saints Clergy: Anette Love; Readers: Ivan Spenceley, Carolyn Szadura;
Thursday  Mundri – (Sudan) The Rt Revd Bismark Monday Avokaya
Loundsley Green LEP Clergy: Peter Green, Diane Hare, Tracy Harris; Readers: George Lewis, Cyril Ilett, Agnes Tranter (Methodist Local Preacher);
Friday  Muyinga – (Burundi) The Rt Revd Paisible Ndacayisaba
Newbold St John the Evangelist Clergy: Nigel Johnson; Reader: Heather Peet;
Saturday    Mytikyina – (Myanmar) The Rt Revd John Zau Li
Assistant Bishop elect of Mytikyina – (Myanmar) The Rt Revd Vacant
North Wingfield Team Ministry Clergy: Colin Cooper, Karen Hamblin, Richard Law, Marcia Brown, Janet Frymann; Readers: Janet Leyland, David Simkins, Rowley Cooper, Jan Foster, Margaret Tuck, Kate Wills, Mark Ratcliffe, Gerald Wright, Margaret Limb (Authorised Lay Minister)
Sunday Groaner
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Church Notices
Some church notice sheets have a charm all their own, where you know that they MEANT to say….
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practise.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married last Saturday in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days

Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.

For MPs only

At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and a member of parliament and gave them their room keys. “Vicar, here are the keys to one of our nicest single rooms. And for you, Mr MP, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.” The vicar began to protest that this was unfair. “Listen,” St. Peter said, “ministers are a ten a penny up here, but this is the first MP we’ve ever seen.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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Readings: Mark 11.1-11; Philippians 2:5-11; Mark 14.1-15.47
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Palm Sunday
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Longford
Monday 30th March
7.30p.m. Boylestone Annual Parochial Church meeting
Wednesday 1st April
7.00p.m. Longford Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Maundy Thursday 2nd April
7.30p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Good Friday 3rd April
10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00p.m., Devotional service – Sutton
7.00p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
Easter Day 5th April
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton (note time)
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today   Jerusalem – (Jerusalem & Middle East) The Rt Revd Suheil Dawani
Amritsar. PK Samantaroy
Monday Multan – (Pakistan) The Rt Revd Leu Paul
Chesterfield St Mary and All Saints Clergy: Patrick Coleman; Reader: J. Gascoyne
Tuesday    Mumbai (Form. Bombay) – (North India) The Rt Revd Prakash Patole
Dronsfield with Holmesfield Team Ministry Clergy:Peter Bold, William Eardley, Ruth Turner, Dick Dove, Ian Webb; Readers: Barbara Hodd, Christine Williams, Angela Barrass, Tony Bethell
Wednesday Mumias – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Beneah Salalah
Great Barlow St Lawrence Clergy: Peter Green
Thursday  Mundri – (Sudan) The Rt Revd Bismark Monday Avokaya
Maundy Thursday
Friday  Muyinga – (Burundi) The Rt Revd Paisible Ndacayisaba
Good Friday
Saturday  Mytikyina – (Myanmar) The Rt Revd John Zau Li
Assistant Bishop elect of Mytikyina – (Myanmar) The Rt Revd Vacant
Holy Saturday Pray for all those facing death that they may find peace through Christ
Sunday Groaner
Good Friday
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was very distressed, exclaiming, “Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?! You can’t do this to us!”
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read: WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

ReadingsJeremiah 31.31-34; Hebrews 5.5-10; John 12.20-33
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Lent 5
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
3.00p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Tuesday
9.15a.m. “Good Friday” walk tfrom School to church. – All welcome meet in the school playground
Wednesday Long Lane School service in church
7.30p.m. Lenten Meeting in the Vicarage
Friday
2.30p.m. Longford school service in church
Next Sunday – Palm Sunday
NB clocks go forward
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Longford
Advance Notice
Monday 30th March
7.30p.m. Boylestone Annual Parochial Church meeting
Wednesday 1st April
7.00p.m. Longford Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Maundy Thursday 2nd April
7.30p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Good Friday 3rd April
10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00p.m., Devotional service – Sutton
7.00p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
Easter Day 5th April
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton (note time)
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today   Missouri – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Wayne Smith Missouri – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Wayne Smith Chesterfield Deanery. Rural Dean: Matthew Barnes, Assistant Rural Dean Karen Hamblin, Associate Priest David Mouncer, Lay Chair: David Iliffe
Monday Mityana – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Stephen Kaziimba
Ashover and Brackenfield with Wessington. Clergy: Ralph Lawrence; Readers: David Russell, Celia Kelly;
Tuesday     Mombasa – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Julius Katio Kalu Assistant Bishop of Mombasa – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Lawrence Dena Brampton St Mark. Clergy: James Croft, Tim Rouke CA; Reader:David Holmes
Wednesday Monmouth – (Wales) The Rt Revd Richard Pain
The Annunciation of Our Lord to the Blessed Virgin Mary Pray for Maternity Services and all expectant mothers
Thursday     Montana – (VII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Charles Franklin Brookhart
Brampton St Thomas Clergy: Matthew Barnes, Ben Griffiths; Readers: Alan Park  (Authorised Lay Minister), Robin Dawson, Bill Galloway, Julie Lomas, Dee Ashton
Friday   Montreal – (Canada, Canada) The Rt Revd Barry Bryan Clarke Moosonee – (Ontario, Canada) The Rt Revd Thomas Corston Chesterfield Holy Trinity and Christ Church Clergy: David Horsfall; Readers: Doris Gould, John Thurstan;
Saturday   Moray, Ross & Caithness – (Scotland) The Rt Revd Mark Strange
Chesterfield SS Augustine. Clergy: James Croft, Tim Rouke CA; Reader: David Holmes;
Sunday Groaner
Expensive boat
A vicar was planning an Easter pilgrimage to the Holy Land, and was aghast when he found it would cost him £50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. He protested to the travel agent that the cost was ridiculous. “That might be true,” replied the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked.”
“Well, at £50 an hour for a boat, I am not surprised!”
Flight time
A couple going on holiday for Easter were amazed when the pilot came on and advised the passengers that he had lost his way. He explained that the radar was not working, the radio beam could not be picked up, and the compass had broken. “But,” he added soothingly, “you will be glad to know that we are making very good time.”The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

ReadingsExodus 2.1-10; 2 Corinthians 1.3-7; Luke 2.33-35
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Lent 4 – Mothering Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
2.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Tuesday
7.30p.m. Long Lane Annual Parochial Church meeting – in church
Wednesday
7.30p.m. Lenten Meeting in the Vicarage
Friday
2.30p.m. Funeral of Martha Sessions – Sutton
Saturday
12 noon Funeral of Michael Bale
Please note: the Dalbury Lenten Lunch scheduled for today has been postponed to 28th March
7.30p.m. Mambo Jambo in Concert -Church Broughton  Ticket £8-50/£7-50
Next Sunday Lent 5
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
3.00p.m. Evensong – Radbourne6.45p.m. Evensong – TrusleyWe remember in our prayers
Today   Missouri – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Wayne Smith
Agra Dr Prem Prakash Habil
Monday Mityana – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Stephen Kaziimba
Longstone, Curbar and Stoney Middleton. Clergy: Lida Ellsworth
Tuesday  Mombasa – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Julius Katio Kalu
Assistant Bishop of Mombasa – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Lawrence Dena
Tideswell St John the Baptist Clergy: Simon White, Gillian White; Readers: Elizabeth Moore-Coulson, Richard Moore-Coulson;  Wednesday Monmouth – (Wales) The Rt Revd Richard Pain
Youlgreave and Middleton, Stanton-in-Peak and Birchover Clergy: Garrie Griffiths; Reader: Anne Elphick;
Thursday    Montana – (VII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Charles Franklin Brookhart
Joseph of Nazareth. Pray for all Fathers
Friday  Montreal – (Canada, Canada) The Rt Revd Barry Bryan Clarke
Moosonee – (Ontario, Canada) The Rt Revd Thomas Corston
Churches Together in Derbyshire
Saturday   Moray, Ross & Caithness – (Scotland) The Rt Revd Mark Strange
World Council of Churches
Sunday Groaner
Mother’s reward
A man was decorating his new den and decided it was a good place to display all the awards he and his two sons had won at various athletic competitions. When he had filled two whole walls, he remarked to his wife that it was a shame she had no awards to contribute.
The following day, she produced, neatly framed, the birth certificates of their two sons, and added them to the display.
On why you should never encourage your congregation
The Rectory, St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
There are times when I indulge you too much; why I ever let you run your course “Taking Responsibility for your Church” among our congregation, I am now unable to understand. I had hopes that it might encourage a few more people to volunteer for the flower rota, or to give occasional help mowing the churchyard. I even had a vague fantasy that someone might turn detective, and discover who was eating the chocolate biscuits between Sundays, condemning the rest of us to munch on Rich Tea after Services.
Unfortunately, your course turned out to be inspirational, and has fired up our members to take on all sorts of new initiatives. Enthusiasm in a congregation can be a very dangerous thing, especially if people start making decisions on their own.
Those who formed a welcoming group are admittedly well-meaning – although it was more than a little traumatic for those coming through the door the next Sunday to be greeted with frenzied hand-shakes, big toothy smiles, and even hymnbooks. That is unheard of in this church – we always ignore people and leave them to find hymnbooks – if they can.
Naturally, all those offering to take the prayers, produce new orders of Service and even to give the occasional sermon have been booked on the appropriate training courses. By the time they have been completed, I can only hope they will have gone off the idea.
But it was the group which decided to “beautify” the church who have proved the most tiresome. Hanging the Christmas tree lights round the altar made it look as if I was standing behind a fairground stall, waiting to invite people to throw hoops round teddy bears – although I would have rather enjoyed making winners sit for the rest of the Service holding a polythene bag containing a goldfish.
Our pulpit has also been given a makeover, with the various panels painted in contrasting colours; I am sure the sixteenth century Flemish woodcarvers would be delighted with the result, although the next time any medieval historians come to view it, I shall take the day off – probably travelling abroad.
My dear Darren, your course took the stopper out of the bottle; would you please run another to put it back?
Your loving uncle,  Eustace
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Exodus 20.1-17; 1 Corinthians 1.18-25; John 2.13-22
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Lent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Lenten Meeting in the Vicarage
Next Sunday Lent 4 – Mothering Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
2.300p.m. Evensong – Long LaneWe remember in our prayers
Today   Meru – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Charles Mwendwa
Bakewell and Eyam Deanery. Rural Dean: Tony Kaunhoven, Asst Rural Dean Clive Thrower, Lay Chair: E.H. Fraser-Smith
Monday Mexico – (Mexico) The Rt Revd Carlos Touche-Porter
Western Mexico – (Mexico) The Rt Revd Lino Rodriguez-Amaro
Bakewell, Ashford in the Water with Sheldon and Rowsley Clergy: Tony Kaunhoven, Aron Simpson, Peter Davis; Readers: Caroline Storr, Pat Bryant, Judith Hargreave;
Tuesday   Eastern Michigan – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Todd Ousley
Michigan – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Wendell Gibbs
Wednesday    Minna – (Lokoja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Daniel Abu Yisa
Baslow and Eyam Clergy: Mike Gilbert; Reader: Joanna Shapland
Thursday     Minnesota – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Brian Prior
Beeley and Edensor Clergy: David Perkins; Reader: SV MatherFriday Missionary District of Oeste-Brasil – (Brazil) Vacant  Edale Holy and Undivided Trinity Clergy: Simon Cocksedge;
Saturday   Milwaukee – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Steven Miller
Mississippi – (IV, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Duncan Gray
Mississippi – (IV, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Brian Seage
Hathersage with Bamford and Derwent and Grindleford Clergy: Jude Davis; Readers: Roger Mather, John Brunskill
Sunday Groaner
Flight time
A couple going on holiday for Easter were amazed when the airplane pilot came on and advised the passengers that he had lost his way. He explained that the radar was not working, the radio beam could not be picked up, and the compass had broken. “But,” he added soothingly, “you will be glad to know that we are making very good time.”Noah had problems too
When Noah sailed the waters blue, he had his troubles same as you. For forty days he drove the Ark before he found a place to park.
Hard to find
Curate’s wife: I’d like to open a joint account.
Bank staff: With your husband?
Curate’s wife: Heavens, no. With someone who has some money!Seasick
It was discovered on a cruise that a clergyman was a bad sailor. Another passenger, a judge, found him leaning over the rail of a ship as it swayed to the heavy roll of the sea. “Can I do anything for you?” asked the judge, with sympathy.
“Yes,” pleaded the clergyman. “Overrule the motion.”
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com