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Monthly Archives: December 2015

Readings 1 Samuel 2.18-20,26; Colossians 3.12-17; Luke 2.41-52
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today  – Christmas 1
10.30a.m. Holy Communion  – Long Lane
Saturday12.30p.m. Dalbury New Year’s lunch – Laurels Farm, Burnaston
Ring 01332 514314 to book
Next Sunday -Christmas 2
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton-
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today  Zaki-Biam – ( Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Benjamin Vager
John, Apostle and Evangelist As St John stood faithfully at the Cross, pray that we may remain steadfast in our faith.
Monday Zanzibar – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Michael Hafidh
The Holy Innocents Pray for all children, particularly those who have suffered any form of abuse.  Pray for those working to support them. God, born as a baby, we pray for children who cry and are not comforted
Tuesday Zaria – (Kaduna, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Cornelius Salifu Bello
Refugees:
Wednesday  Zonkwa – ( Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jacob Kwash
iFor clergy and people as we rest
Thursday Zululand – (Southern Africa) Vacant
May God the Father keep you in all your days. May God the Son shield you in all your ways. May God the Spirit bring you healing and peace. May God the Holy Trinity drive all  darkness from you and pour upon you  blessing and light
Friday Aba – (Niger Delta, Nigeria) The Most Revd Ugochukwu Ezuoke
As we come to the Lord at  the start of this New Year, let us seek his grace to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom
Saturday Aba Ngwa North – (Niger Delta, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Nathan Kanu
Rt Rev Alastair Redfern, Bishop of Derby and his wife Caroline and  staff  at Bishop’sHouse, Claire Beavis, Frances Morrison, Chaplain Pippa Rowan
Sunday Groaner
Farewell from Uncle Eustace
The Rectory
St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
And so, at the beginning of the New Year, you finally go to your own first parish and I am to move to a home for retired clergy. Let me give you some final words of advice.
Curates, you will have noticed, are forgiven everything. I hope you have appreciated this period of grace, because come 1st January, all that will change. You will then become responsible for everything that goes wrong in your church. You must be able to mend leaking taps, arrange flowers, mow the churchyard and run jumble sales. You will be expected to know the moment someone falls ill – preferably the day before. In addition, they will expect you to preach profound sermons – in seven minutes flat, and to lead a life of prayerful solitude while being the life and soul of the parish. From the day your predecessor left, he will have turned into a saint. You will be their new disappointment. Be assured that whatever you do, you will always disappoint someone.
Be prepared for phonecalls at 3am telling you that someone has left a light on in church, and shouldn’t you go turn it off. You will be asked about car parking arrangements for the October Harvest Service by mid-January, while hymns for the 9 Lessons and Carols will be required by early summer. I suggest you buy in extra pullovers, overcoats and scarves for life in your vicarage. A good number of mousetraps may well come in useful too.
Welcome to your new life of an incumbent.
I, on the other hand, greatly relish the thought of no longer having the care of parishioners. Instead, I shall become one myself – and am already planning my revenge. In fact, this afternoon, inspired by a large glass of sherry, I have begun a list of things I can complain about. The church is too cold, I don’t know any of the hymns, the vicar can’t preach, he never visits, and things are not as good as they used to be. True, I haven’t actually chosen my new church yet, but no matter, I will complain when I get there.
Of course, I will not be in church on Sunday mornings if it is raining, or on Sunday evenings if something good is on the television. Most of all, I look forward to sitting as far back in church as is possible, and starting a campaign to stop ‘passing the peace’.
My new life as a parishioner will be richly rewarding. 50 years after ordination, I can hardly wait.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
These jokes are sure to make you groan…. think Christmas crackers!
What did the snowman and his wife hang over their baby’s crib?   A snow mobile.

What’s brown and sneaks round the kitchen?   Mince spies

What did the pack of Walkers say to the Skips?   Merry Crispmas.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

Readings Isaiah 9.2-7; or Isaiah 62.6-12; Titus 2.11-14 or Titus 3.4-7 or Hebrews 1.1-12; Luke 2.20 or John 1.1-14

Notices for the week
Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service-Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion     – Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Next Sunday – (after Christmas)
10.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Christmas Groaner
The Twelve Days of Christmas(or Everlasting Turkey)
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me“I’m so glad we bought a turkey and a proper Christmas Tree”
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heardAs we tucked into our turkey – a most delicious bird
.On the third day of Christmas we’d friends in from next door,The turkey tasted just as good as it had the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas, Gran came – she’s rather old.We finished up the Christmas pud – and the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried,But we were nice and warm inside – we ate the turkey curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died.
The children fought and bickered – we ate the turkey fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave a wince when he sate down for dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eight day of Christmas, the dog ran off for shelter,I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of alkaseltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas by lunchtime Dad was blotto.He knew that bird was back again – this time as a risotto.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the air was rather blueAs everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Christmas tree was moulting,With chilli and spicy sauce, the turkey was revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas we had smiles on our lipsThe guests had gone – the turkey too. We dined on fish and chips!
Snowman
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? – Frostbite.
Wise
A little boy rushed home from school and said excitedly: “I got a part in the Christmas play!”
“What part?” asked his mother.
“I’m one of the three wise guys!”
The Christmas stars
Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be as the clocks chimes midnight on Christmas Eve. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. Stronger
Statistics prove we’re all getting stronger. Fifty years ago you needed an estate car to hold £50 worth of Christmas presents. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry £20 worth of Christmas groceries – now a five-year-old can do it.Top ten things to say about a Christmas gift you don’t like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Well, well, well …
8. Oh dear. If I had not recently shot up four sizes that would’ve fit.
7. This will be perfect for wearing around the garage.
6. Goodness. I hope this never catches fire! Though, there are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire if I go out in it.
3. Sadly, I am allergic to whatever this is made of.
2. To think – I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. What have I done to deserve this?
The Parish Pump can be found on the
internet at  https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings  Hebrews 10.5-10; Luke 1.39-45(46-55)

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Advent 4
8.00a.m,. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service in preparation for Christmas – Longford
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Carol Service – Long Lane
Monday
11.00am Funeral of Elsie Marion Parker – Church Broughton
6.30p.m. Carol Singing around Church Broughton
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Trusley
Tuesday
2.30p.m. Wedding – Longford
7.30p.m, Carol Service – Church Broughton
Wednesday
12noon Funeral of Richard Hodgkinson – Dalbury
Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service – Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton & Radbourne
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford & Church Broughton
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Next Sunday – Christmas 1
10.30a.m. Holy Communion  – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today  Yewa (form. Egbado) – (Lagos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Michael Adebayo Oluwarohunbi
For all those who have, for whatever reason, stopped going to church
Monday  Yirol – (Bahr El Ghazal, Sudan) The Rt Revd David Akau
Yirol – Aluakluak Area – (Bahr El Ghazal, Sudan) The Rt Revd Isaac Nyaryiel Aleth
Yirol – Nyang Area – (Bahr El Ghazal, Sudan) The Rt Revd Paul Tokmach Lual
Parishes where there is a clergy vacancy
Tuesday  Yokohama – (Japan) The Rt Revd Laurence Yutaka Minabe
God of peace, encourage those who seek to establish a fair and just peace in the Middle East. Bless their efforts as they work to end conflict. Amen
Wednesday  Yola – (Jos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Markus Ibrahm
Pray for all those working to support the  poorest and weakest in our society  especially at this time of celebration.
Thursday   York – (York, England) The Most Revd & Rt Hon Dr John Sentamu
York – Beverley – (York, England) The Rt Revd Glyn Webster
York – Hull – (York, England) The Rt Revd Alison White
York – Selby – (York, England) The Rt Revd John Bromilow Thomson
York – Whitby – (York, England) The Rt Revd Paul John Ferguson
The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.  Pray that this light will shine throughout our dark world. For all those who have been invited to attend church and those in need of a friend
Friday  Ysabel – (Melanesia) The Revd Ellison Quity
Pray for peace throughout the world this Christmas time
Saturday   Yukon – (British Columbia & the Yukon, Canada) The Rt Revd Larry David Robertson
Pray for all who suffer persecution  because of their faith
Sunday Groaner
Letter to Father Christmas
Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Holmes: Lemon-entry, my dear Watson.
Footballer’s carol
A football supporter’s favourite Christmas song? ‘Yule never walk alone’.
Fish carol
What do fish sing at Christmas?
Shark, the herald angels sing.
Dad at Christmas
Steve: What’s your father getting for Christmas?
Dave: Overweight..
Don’t eat
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitus.
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Zephaniah 3.14-20; Philippians 4.4-7; Luke 3.7-18
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Advent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Longford
Tuesday
2.00p.m, Church Broughton School Nativity – Church Broughton
Wednesday
9.00a.m. Long Lane School Carols – Long Lane
6.00p.m. Church Broughton School Nativity – Church Broughton
Friday 2.30p.m., Longford School Service
7.00p.m. Boylestone Carol Service
Next Sunday – Advent 4
8.00a.m,. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service in preparation for Christmas – Longford
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Carol Service – Long Lane
Monday 21st December
12noon Funeral of Elsie Marion Parker – Church Broughton
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Trusley
Tuesday 22nd December
2.30p.m. Wedding – Longford
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Church Broughton
Wednesday 23rd December
12noon Funeral of Richard Hodgkinson – Dalbury
Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service – Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton & Radbourne
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford & Church Broughton
Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Sunday 27th December
10.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today  Windward Islands – (West Indies) The Rt Revd Calvert Friday
Monday Worcester – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd John Inge
Worcester – Dudley – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Graham Usher
Clergy: Rev Richard Benson; Reader, PCC and congregation in the parish of St Michael, Taddington
Tuesday  Wusasa – (Kaduna, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Ali Buba Lamido
Clergy: Rev Carl Edwards; Rev Mary  Washbrook, Reader, PCC and congregation in the parish of Charles King and Martyr, Peak Forest
Wednesday  Wyoming – The Rt Revd John Smylie
Clergy: Rev Carl Edwards; Rev Mary  Washbrook, Reader, PCC and congregation in the parish of St Paul, Dove Holes
Thursday  Yambio – (Minye, Sudan) The Rt Revd Peter Munde Yacoub
those whom you have a special concern this Christmas
Friday  The Most Revd Stephen Than Myint Oo Archbishop of Myanmar and Bishop of Yangon
For our Bishops and clergy, that they will be strengthened to serve faithfully at this busy time
Assistant Bishop of Yangon – (Myanmar) The Rt Revd Samuel Htang Oak
Saturday   Yei – (Loryko, Sudan) The Rt Revd Hilary Luate Adeba
That our children will understand the real meaning of Christmas
Sunday Groaner
Santa’s sleigh
I remember when Father Christmas nervously went for his sleigh-driving test. He came rushing back in a thunder of reindeer, and pulled up in front of the toy factory. ‘Have you passed?’ I asked.
Father Christmas pointed to the front of the sleigh. ‘See for yourself!’ he called proudly. ‘No-el plates!’
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Baruch 5.1-9; Philippians 1.3-11; Luke 3.1-6

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today Advent 2
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Christina Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion& Holy Baptism – Sutton
11.00a.m. Martins – Trusley
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Tuesday
2.30p.m. Long Lane School Nativity Play
6.00p.m. Long Lane School Nativity Play
Next Sunday – Advent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Carol Service – Longford
Saturday
7.30p.m. Derby Orchestral Society Christmas Concert – Boylestone
Admission free donations invited to Treetops Hospice
We remember in our prayers
Today  Western Louisiana – (VIII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Jacob W Owensby
Clergy: Rev Colin Pearson, Rev David Mundy; Readers, PCC and congregation in the parish of St Thomas Becket, Chapel-en-le-Frith,
Monday   Western Michigan – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Whayne Hougland
Clergy: Rev Richard Benson; Reader, PCC and congregation in the parish of St John the Baptist, Chelmorton:
Tuesday  Western New York – (II, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd William Franklin
Clergy: Rev Richard Benson, PCC and congregation in the parish of St Michael and All Angels, East Sterndale
Wednesday  Western Tanganyika – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Sadock Makaya
Clergy: Rev Carl Edwards; Reader, PCC and congregation in the parish of St Peter, Fairfield
Thursday   Wiawso – (Ghana, West Africa) The Rt Revd Abraham Ackah
Clergy: Rev Richard Benson; PCC and congregation in the parish of St Giles, Hartington
Friday    Willochra – (South Australia, Australia) The Rt Revd John Stead
Clergy: Rev Richard Benson; PCC and congregation in the parish of St Giles, Hartington
Saturday   Winchester – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Tim Dakin
Winchester – Basingstoke – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd David Grant Williams
Winchester – Southampton – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Jonathan Frost
Clergy: Rev Richard Benson; Reader, PCC and congregation in the parish of St Leonard, Monyash
Sunday Groaner
Rudolph the Red
There was once a great Czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, “Look my dear, it has begun to rain!” Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, “It’s too cold to rain. It must be sleeting.” The Czar shook his head and said, “I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
Keep it a surprise
Three-year-old Lily was helping her mother wrap a present for her father. While wrapping, her mother told Lily about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Lily proudly put it under the tree.
When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what’s inside, she said, very seriously, “No, T-shirts don’t rattle.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com