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Monthly Archives: March 2016

Reading Acts 10.34-43 OR Isaiah 25:6-9; 1 Corinthians 15.1-11 OR Acts 10:34-43John 20.1-18; OR Luke 24:1-12
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
6.45p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Next Sunday – 2nd of Easter
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance Notice
Monday 4th April
7.30p.m. Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Boylestone
Tuesday 5th April 7.30p.m. Fete Planning meeting & Annual Parochial Church Meeting –  Sutton
Thursday 7th April 7.00p.m. Annual Parochial Church Meeting Longford
Tuesday 12th April 7.30p.m. Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Church Broughton

We remember in our prayers
Today Easter Day
Monday  Brisbane – (Queensland, Australia) The Most Revd Dr Phillip John Aspinall
Anglican Bishop to the Australian Defence Force – (Australia) The Rt Revd Ian Keese Lambert
Brisbane – Northern Region – (Queensland, Australia) The Rt Revd Dr Jonathan Holland
Brisbane – Southern Region – (Queensland, Australia) The Rt Revd Alison Taylor
Brisbane – Western Region – (Queensland, Australia) The Rt Revd Cameron Venables
Tuesday Bristol – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Michael Arthur Hill
Bristol – Swindon – (Canterbury, England) The Rt Revd Lee Stephen Rayfield
Street Pastors
Wednesday  British Columbia – (British Columbia & the Yukon, Canada) The Rt Revd Logan McMenamie
Retired clergy chaplains The Revd Michael Mookerji and his wife Rachel. We pray for all retired clergy in this Diocese
Thursday  Bujumbura – (Burundi) The Rt Revd Eraste Bigirimana
All returning to school and college for a new term, especially those preparing for examinations.
Friday Bukavu – (Congo) The Rt Revd Sylvestre Bahati
Saturday    Bukedi – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Samuel Egesa
Church of North India Partnership the Bishop of Sambalpur, Pinuel Dip
Sunday Groaner
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Church Notices
Some church notice sheets have a charm all their own, where you know that they MEANT to say….
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practise.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married last Saturday in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days

Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.

For MPs only
At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and a member of parliament and gave them their room keys. “Vicar, here are the keys to one of our nicest single rooms. And for you, Mr MP, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.” The vicar began to protest that this was unfair. “Listen,” St. Peter said, “ministers are a ten a penny up here, but this is the first MP we’ve ever seen.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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Palm Gospel Luke 19:28-40

 

 

Readings Isaiah 50.4-9a; Philippians 2.5-11; Luke 22.14-23.56

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We remember in our prayers
Today   Pray for the peace of Jerusalem
Jerusalem – (Jerusalem & Middle East) The Rt Revd Suheil Dawani
Monday  Bondo – (Kenya) Rt Revd Johannes Angela
Archbishops: Justin Welby, John Sentamu
Tuesday Bor – (Upper Nile, Sudan) The Rt Revd Ruben Akurdid Ngong
Archdeacons: Christopher Cunliffe, Christine Wilson
Wednesday Botswana – (Central Africa) The Rt Revd Metlhayotlhe Rawlings Belemi
Provincial Episcopal Visitor, Bishop of Ebbsfleet Jonathan Goodall Assistant Bishops: Jack Nicholls, Richard Inwood, Tim Ellis
Thursday Brandon (Rupert’s Land, Canada) The Rt Revd William Cliff
Friday
Brasilia – (Brazil) The Rt Revd Maurício Jose Araujo De Andrade
Saturday 
Brechin – (Scotland) The Rt Revd Nigel Peyton
Sunday Groaner
Lost in translation
Are you travelling this Easter? Keep an eye out for those delightful translations into English that didn’t quite make it…

Danish airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Heathrow: No electric people carrying vehicles past this point.

Japanese taxi: Safety first: please put on your seatbelt. Prepare for accident.

Kenyan maternity ward: No children allowed.

Beijing shop: Haircuts half price today. Only one per customer.

Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Beware of these contagious diseases in church

Frontophobia: A morbid fear of the front seats in church. The sufferer is struck by an attack just inside the church door, and collapses in the nearest back seat.

Ear Frequency Destruction: Caused by sitting near the loudspeaker when the minister is singing full volume, off-key, etc., into the microphone.

Sermonic Throat: A dreaded choking caused by the start of the sermon. The sufferer unwraps a sweet very slowly and noisily, which seems to effect a complete cure.

Double Auricular Clearance: A condition due to the simultaneous opening of both ear ducts, which allows sound to enter one ear and leave the other without any absorption thereof. Condition is acute during Bible reading and sermon.

Accelerate Vocal Response: A condition which causes the sufferer to try to sing faster than the organ.

Retarded Vocal Response: condition which causes the sufferer to try to sing slower than the organ.

Theexits: A condition where the sufferer rushes for the exit before the minister gets there.

Church Meeting Paralysis: This can strike suddenly, when a post in the church needs filling. A good dose of enthusiasm works wonders with this sad affliction.

Miscellaneous observations on daily life

~ A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A healthy adult consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people’s patience.

~ A pun is the lowest form of humour – unless you thought of it yourself.

~ Based on my calculations, I can retire five years after I die.

~ Coffee: starter fluid for the morning impaired.

~ Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

~ How come, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust.

Today – Palm Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Service for Palm Sunday with the Long Lane Choir – Long Lane
Tuesday
2.30p.m. School Service – Long Lane
Wednesday
9.15a.m. Church Broughton School “Good Friday” walk to church
Maundy Thursday
10.45a.m. Funeral of Jane Seberry
Long Lane
2.30p.m. School Service – Longford 7.30p.m. Holy Communion
Long Lane
Good Friday
10.00a.m. Devotional Service
Boylestone
2.00p.m. Devotional service – Sutton
7.00p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – EASTER DAY NOTE Clocks go FORWARD to British Summer Time
9.3a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Holy Communion  – Radbourne
11.00a.m.  Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Exodus 2.1-10; 2 Corinthians 1.3-7;  Luke 2.33-35

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Lent 4  Mothering Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins  – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday
7.30p.m. Illustrated talk on the Hardman windows at Sutton and the window restoration process. – Sutton
Wednesday
7.30p.m. Lent Study – Vicarage
Friday
7.30p.m. Live & Local
A Brief History of Music presented by Blast from the Past – Church Broughton
Saturday
2.30p.m. Striking Contest Heats for the Central District of the Derby Diocesan Association of Church Bellringers – at Church Broughton
Arthur Ashby Cub (Call Changes) and Horsley Cup (Methods)
Come and support our local Band of ringers!
Next Sunday – Lent 5
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
Advance Notice
Palm Sunday (20th March)
7.00p.m. Special Evensong for Palm Sunday with the Long Lane Choir – Long Lane
Confirmation
It is hoped that the Bishop will be coming to administer confirmation in this benefice on 1st May. Anyone who would like to be confirmed or who would like to learn more about confirmation should contact the rector as soon as possible.
We remember in our prayers
Today   Church of England The Most Revd and Rt Hon Justin Welby Archbishop of Canterbury
That our homes may be places of love, security and peace. And for those who have no loving home
Monday Bauchi – (Jos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Musa Tula
St Giles, Matlock, Dethick Lea and Holloway Clergy: Rev Mark Crowther-Alwyn
Tuesday Belize – (West Indies) The Rt Revd Philip Wright
Wirksworth Team Ministry with the Clergy: Rev David Truby, Rev Kara Werner, Rev Julie Stanton, Pioneer Minister Naomi Barraclough working in the parishes of Wirksworth,Bonsall, Bradbourne, Brassington, Carsington, Elton, Idridgehay, Kirk Ireton, Middleton by Wirksworth
Wednesday Bendigo – (Victoria, Australia) The Rt Revd Andrew William Curnow
Darley, South Darley and Winster; Clergy: Rev Stephen Monk
Thursday Benin – (Bendel, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Peter Imasuen
The Developing our Deaneries process; the launch new deaneries, appointment of Area Deans and commissioning of Lay leadership.
Friday
Bethlehem – (III, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Dr Paul Marshall
Brailsford with Shirley, Osmaston with Edlaston and Yeaveley: Rev Paul Taylor, Rev Fiona Crocker; Rev Dawn Glen
Saturday 
Bhopal – (North India) The Rt Revd Robert Ali
For those who have the opportunity to speak about faith in the media
Sunday Groaner
Snoring
A clergyman consulted his doctor about his wife’s snoring. ‘It has to STOP,’ he insisted.
The doctor was intrigued: ‘Does it really bother you that much?’
‘Well, it’s not just me,’ explained the minister. ‘She is bothering the whole congregation.’
Miscellaneous observations on daily life
~ A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
~ A healthy adult consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people’s patience.
~ A pun is the lowest form of humour – unless you thought of it yourself.
~ Based on my calculations, I can retire five years after I die. Miscellaneous observations on daily life
~ Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and still everybody rushes to get a piece.
~ Coffee: starter fluid for the morning impaired.
~ Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
~ How come, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
~ I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com