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Monthly Archives: October 2016

Readings Daniel 7.1-3,15-18; Ephesians 1.11-23; Luke 6.20-31

 

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today —  All Saints’ Sunday
NB Clocks go back!
10.30a.m. United Service – Church Broughton Methodist Church
6.30p.m. SAID Holy Communion – Longford
Next Sunday –  3rd Sunday before Advent
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today  Bermuda (Extra-Provincial to Canterbury)
Bermuda – (Bermuda) The Rt Revd Nicholas Dill
Monday Ilesa – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Olubayu Sowale
Immanuel Stapenhill Clergy: Janet Turville Reader: Martin Collins
Tuesday Ilesa South West – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Samuel Egbebunmi
All Saints Derby Cathedral and all those churches celebrating their Patronal Festival
Wednesday Indianapolis – (V, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Catherine Waynick
Funeral directors and all those who minister to the bereaved
Thursday IIowa – (VI, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Alan Scarfe
Members of the Cathedral Chapter Canon Chancellor Simon Taylor, who is also the Continuing Ministerial Development Officer. Canon Missioner Elizabeth Thomson
Canon Precentor Chris Moorsom. Diocesan Canon Susan Jones. Lay member of Chapter Mark Titterton and Chair of the Chapter’s finance committee, also Executive Chair of Diocesan Board of Finance. Lay member of Chapter David Legh Lay member of Chapter Brian Dollamore. Lay member of Chapter Val Grahl – also one of the Cathedral Wardens. Chapter Steward Rachel Morris. Chaplain to the Cathedral Adam Dickens
Friday Iran – (Jerusalem & Middle East) The Rt Revd Azad Marshall
Cathedral Administration
Saturday Irele – Eseodo – (Ondo, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Felix Akinbuluma
Isikwuato – (Aba, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Manasses Chijiokem Okere
The Cathedral’s team of visitor guides
Sunday Groaner
Golf
A golf player is a person who can drive 70 miles an hour in traffic with perfect ease, but who goes to pieces on a two-foot putt if somebody coughs.
Sales
It is getting harder and harder to find a courteous person who isn’t trying to sell you something.
Film
The newspapers report how a cinema-goer arose from his seat while watching a film and shot himself. I believe that I have also seen that picture.
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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Readings Ecclesiasticus 35.12-17;  2 Timothy 4.6-8,16-18; Luke 18.9-14
Harvest Readings Joel 2:21-27; Matthew 6:25-33

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today -Last after Trinity
Harvest Thanksgiving Trusley
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
3.00p.m. Evensong – Radbourne (now at the winter time of 3.00p.m.)
6.45p.m. Harvest Evensong – Trusley
Monday
8.00p.m. Sutton PCC
Saturday
12.30p.m. Dalbury Harvest Lunch – Laurel Farm, Burnaston Ring 01332-514314 to book
Next Sunday –  All Saints’ Sunday
NB Clocks go back!
10.30a.m. United Service – Church Broughton Methodist Church
6.30p.m. SAID Holy Communion – Longford
We remember in our prayers
Today  Cuba – (Cuba) The Rt Revd Griselda Delgado Del Carpio
Suffragan Bishop of Cuba – (Cuba) The Rt Revd Ulises Prendes
Monday Ikeduru – (Owerri, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Emmanuel Maduwike
Ikka – (Bendel, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Peter Onekpe
United Benefice of Hartshorn & Bretby, the parish of St Peter Hartshorne, Clergy: Graham Rutter, Philp Bosher,
Tuesday Ikwerre – (Niger Delta, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Blessing Enyindah
United Benefice of Hartshorn & Bretby, the parish of St Wystan Bretby Clergy: Graham Rutter, Philp Bosher
Wednesday Ikwo – (Enugu, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Kenneth Ifemene
United Benefice , the parish of St Michael with St Mary Melbourne, Clergy: Vicar – vacant. Angela Plummer, David Thomas, Readers: David Edwards, Nicholas Gravestock ,
Thursday Ikwuano – (Aba, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Chigozirim Onyegbule
Parish of St George Ticknall, St James Smisby, Clergy: Vicar – vacant. Angela Plummer, David Thomas, Readers: David Edwards, Nicholas Gravestock
Friday Ilaje – (Ondo, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Fredrick Olugbemi
United Benefice, the parish of St Michael Stanton-by-Bridge Clergy: Vicar – vacant. Angela Plummer, David Thomas, Readers: David Edwards, Nicholas Gravestock
Saturday Ile – Oluji – (Ondo, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Samson Adekunle
St George & St Mary Gresley, Clergy Michael Fribank, Authorised Lay Minister Sarah Miller, Readers Jane Clamp, Stephen Payne, Peitje Carpenter,
Sunday Groaner
If you understand it…
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
Lost in translation
Sign on a door in Istanbul: American dentist – 2nd floor. Teeth extracted by a new Methodist.
On how long a sermon should last
         The Rectory
St. James the Least of All

My dear Nephew Darren

I am afraid we will never agree about the appropriate length of sermons. Your 50 minute exposition on the theology of St. Paul concerning women wearing hats in church is, I am sure, of real interest to you. But as your sermon slowly unfolds, I suspect it will prompt quite a different concern among your congregation. Have they set the oven timer to come on too early?

Whenever I even hint that a matter of theological importance may be about to appear in one of my sermons, an expression of benign incomprehension comes over my congregation. You know the look – you see it on golden Labradors whenever they try and work out what their owners are telling them.

There are certain sure signs that should warn you when you have preached for long enough. One is when members of the congregation reach for their prayer books to try to work for the umpteenth time how the date for Easter is calculated. The organist turning on the blower when you say “and finally” is another.

Most members of the congregation will count the number of dead flies on the windowsills during your sermon. But when you can see members of the congregation counting the numbers in the congregation counting the numbers of dead flies, that is absolute proof that it is time to stop.

There has only been one occasion when I preached for longer than my standard eight minutes. Our former organist was in the habit of taking his dog for a walk during the sermon. I knew I had to carry on preaching until I heard the latch on the vestry door for the second time. That meant he was back, and ready to play the last hymn. Unfortunately one Sunday, his dog ran away.

While he searched for it over every field in the parish, I spent the intervening two hours reading the greater part of Leviticus, discussing the food laws set forth in Deuteronomy, and arguing for a Deutero-Isaiah. I was headed for the Babylonian exile when we all heard the vestry door re-open.

After the Service, the congregation left looking as though they had just been rescued from a major shipwreck. And at the next church council meeting, we unanimously voted to buy our organist a stronger lead.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Genesis 32.22-31; 2 Timothy 3.14-4.5; Luke 18.1-8
Harvest Readings (Dalbury) Joel 2:21-27; 1 Timothy 2:1-7; Matthew 6:25-33
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today -Trinity 21
Harvest Thanksgiving Dalbury
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Harvest Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane PLEASE NOTE TIME
Monday 7.00p.m. Boylestone PCC
Thursday 2.30p.m. School Service – Longford
Saturday 12noon Holy Baptism – Dalbury
Next Sunday – Last after Trinity
Harvest Thanksgiving Trusley
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
3.00p.m. Evensong – Radbourne (now at the winter time of 3.00p.m.)
6.45p.m. Harvest Evensong – Trusley
We remember in our prayers
Today  Ceylon (E-P to the Archbishop of Canterbury)
Colombo – (Ceylon) The Rt Revd Dhiloraj Ranjit Canagasabey
Kurunagala – (Ceylon) Vacant
Bishop’s Badge presentations
Monday Ihiala – (Niger, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Ralph Okafor
Ijebu – (Lagos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Ezekiel Awosoga
St John Newhall Vicar – vacant Clergy: Kath Wood
Tuesday  Ijebu – North – (Lagos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Solomon Kuponu
Hospital chaplains David Ashton, Andrew Hope, Marise Hargreaves, Tracy Robinson, Harold Jones
Wednesday Ijesa North East – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Joseph Olusola
United Benefice of Foremark , Repton and Newton Solney the parish of St Saviour Foremark. Clergy: Martin Flowerdew, June Scott. Readers
Stephen Longden, Ruth Attwood
Thursday Ijesha North – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Isaac Oluyamo
In the United Benefice of Foremark , Repton and Newton Solney the parish St Wystan Repton. Clergy: Martin Flowerdew, June Scott. Readers Stephen Longden, Ruth Attwood
Friday Ijumu – (Lokoja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Ezekiel Ikupolati
In the United Benefice of Foremark , Repton and Newton Solney the parish of St Mary Newton Solney Clergy: Martin Flowerdew, June Scott.Readers Stephen Longden, Ruth Attwood
Saturday Ikara – (Kaduna, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Yusuf Janfalan
Julio RM Abraham the CEO of Derby City Mission, which exists to serve the city of Derby in Social Action and Christian Mission
Sunday Groaner
Where two or three are gathered…
A lady was describing the small attendance at her local church. ‘We were so few last Sunday that when the vicar began ‘Dearly beloved,’ I blushed.”
Oddest
The parish magazine was reporting on a recent parish away-day at the seaside. It said: ‘The results of our competition for the oddest item found on the beach were: First prize: Mrs Wainwright; second prize: The Vicar; and third prize, Mr Simpson.
Ten
Asked to name one of the Ten Commandments, one little girl replied: ‘Do not admit adultery.”
Who is God?
During a youth service, the minister asked if anyone could tell her who God is. One youngster waved a hand, and ventured: “Isn’t God the man who saves the Queen?”
Cheap at the price
A little boy was pestering his parents for a baby brother or sister. They kept telling him ‘maybe one day, but we can’t afford one yet.’ Then one Sunday the little boy dragged his parents over to the noticeboard at the back of church. It was advertising a coming sale at the church, and announced: ‘Children: free’

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings 2 Kings 5.1-3,6-15c;  2 Timothy 2.8-15; Luke 17.11-19
Harvest Readings Deuteronomy 26.1-11; John 6.25-35

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 20 Harvest Thanksgiving Radbourne
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Harvest Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Friday
2.00p.m. Long Lane School Open afternoon for potential pupils
7.30p.m. Live & Local Concert by Aire Flamenco – Church Broughton
Next Sunday – Trinity 21
Harvest Thanksgiving Dalbury

8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Harvest Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane PLEASE NOTE TIME
Advance NoticeNB 4th Sunday Evensong at Radbourne is now at the winter time of 3.00p.m.
The next Sunday Evensong is Radbourne is on Sunday 23rd October at 3.00p.m.
Dalbury Harvest Service
Sunday 16th October at 11.00a.m.
Trusley Harvest Service
Sunday 23rd October at 6.45p.m.

We remember in our prayers
Today  West Indies The Most Revd & The Hon Dr John Holder Archbishop of West Indies & Bishop of Barbados
Prison’s week
Monday Ideato – (Owerri, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Caleb Maduoma
Idoani – (Ondo, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Ezekiel Dahuns
Aston-on-Trent
The parish of St James Shardlow, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward ,Suzanne William
Tuesday  Ife – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Oluwole Odubogun
United Benefice of Aston-on-Trent, The parish of St Wilfred Barrow-upon-Trent, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward ,Suzanne Williams,
Wednesday Ife East – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Oluseyi Oyelade
United Benefice of Aston-on-Trent, The parish of St Andrew Twyford, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward , SuzanneWilliams
Thursday Ifo – (Lagos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Nathaniel Oladejo Ogundipe
United Benefice of Aston-on-Trent, The parish of St James Swarkestone, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward ,Suzanne Williams
Friday Igbomina – (Kwara, Nigeria) The Most Revd Michael Akinyemi
United Benefice of Aston-on-Trent, The parish of St Mary Weston-on-Trent, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward ,Suzanne Williams
Saturday Igbomina – West – (Kwara, Nigeria) The Rt Revd James Akinola
Diocesan Synod
Sunday Groaner
All Angels?
The slightly harassed minister was on a railway station with a party of Sunday School children. A porter came up to him and asked: ‘Excuse me, are you St Michael and the Angels?’
Bye bye
Our lay preacher is from France, and occasionally amuses us with using words slightly out of context. One morning, coming to the end of a long sermon, he solemnly assured us: “Just a few more words, and then I will definitely decease.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Trinity 19 Readings Habakkuk 1.1-4; 2.1-4; 2 Timothy 1.1-14; Luke 17.5-10
Harvest Readings Deuteronomy 26.1-11; Philippians 4.4-9; John 6.25-35
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 18
Harvest Thanksgiving Boylestone, Church Broughton & Longford
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion  – Dalbury
3.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday
8.45a.m.-10.00a.m.
Macmillan Coffee  morning – Church Broughton School
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Charles Hanson Valuation Evening – Lees Village Hall (Tickets ring 01332-824507 or 01332-824507
Wednesday  2.00p.m. Funeral of Ethel Prince – Sutton
7.00p.m. Longford PCC
Saturday 7.30p.m. Radbourne Harvest Organ Concert
Next Sunday – Trinity 19
Harvest Thanksgiving Radbourne
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Harvest Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Advance Notice
Dalbury Harvest Service
Sunday 16th October at 11.00a.m.
Trusley Harvest Service
Sunday 23rd October at 6.45p.m.

We remember in our prayers
Today  West Africa The Most Revd Dr Daniel Sarfo Primate & Metropolitan, CPWA, Archbishop of the Internal province of Ghana and Bishop of Kumasi
Monday Hyderabad – (Pakistan) The Rt Revd Kaleem John
Tuesday  Ibadan – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Most Revd Joseph Akinfenwa
Wednesday Ibadan North – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Segun Okubadejo
Thursday Ibadan South – (Ibadan, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jacob Ajetunmobi
Benefice of Aston-on-Trent, The parish of All Saints Aston-on-Trent, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward , Suzanne Williams,
Friday Ibba – (Minye, Sudan) The Rt Revd Wilson Elisa Kamani
Idah – ( Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Joseph Musa
Benefice of Aston-on-Trent , The parish of St Bartholomew Elvaston, Clergy: Tony Luke, Paul Hygate Readers: Bruce Ward , Suzanne Williams,
Saturday Idaho – (VIII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Brian Thom
Diocesan Vocations Day
Sunday Groaner
Choice
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president, and 50
or Miss America?
A WC worth visiting
Years ago a young couple were house-hunting in rural Somerset, and so visited an elderly clergyman who had a cottage for sale. Later they could not remember seeing a bathroom in the property, and so wrote asking where the WC might be.
The minister was not familiar with the term, and decided they must be asking for the nearest Wesleyan Church. And so he wrote them this reply:
‘Dear … I regret to inform you that the nearest WC is fifty miles away, which is most unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly. This one is situated in a beautiful valley, and many local people make a day of it, setting off in early morning and taking picnics with them. Some travel by car, others by bus, and some (on foot) arrive just in time. A bell rings 20 minutes before the WC opens, and there is plenty of standing room if you are late.

Inside, there are 40 plush seats, and beautiful carvings on the walls. The children sing as they process in, and there is even an organ accompaniment. I hope this will encourage you to visit it, and enjoy what it offers. I myself have not been for five months, and you can imagine this pains me very much. Yours faithfully…

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com