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Monthly Archives: November 2016

Readings Isaiah 2.1-5; Romans 13.11-14; Matthew 24.36-44

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  Advent Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion-
Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion Long Lane
3.00p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Wednesday
11.00a.m., F
uneral of  Irene Kightley – Longford

Saturday & Sunday 3rd & 4th December
Boylestone Christmas Tree Festival

Saturday 3rd DecemberDerwent Harps & Nativity – Church Broughton IS CANCELLED

Next Sunday –  Advent Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion-  Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Christingle Service
Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
4.00p.m. “Christmas Tree Service – Boylestone
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance Notice
Carol Services
Sunday 11th December
3.00p.m. Radbourne
6.30p.m. Longford
Sunday 18th December
3.00p.m. Dalbury
6.30p.m. Sutton
7.00p.m. Long Lane
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Church Broughton
Thursday 7.30p.m. Trusley
Friday 7.00p.m. Boylestone

We remember in our prayers
Today  Kansas – (VII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Dean Wolfe
Monday   Kanyakumari – (South India) The Rt Revd Gnanasigamony Devakadasham
Tuesday  Western Kansas – (VII, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Michael Milliken
St Mark Winshill Clergy: Philip Bosher; Reader Mervyn John
Wednesday  Karachi – (Pakistan) The Rt Revd Sadiq Daniel
Thursday  Karamoja – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Joseph Abura
Friday 
Karimnagar – (South India) The Rt Revd Reuben Mark
St Helen Grindleford, Clergy: Rev Jude Davis reader John Brunskill
Saturday  Karnataka Central – (South India) The Rt Revd Prasana Kumar Samuel
St John the Baptist, Bamford and Derwent Clergy: Rev Jude Davis; reader, Roger Mather

Sunday Groaner
St Matthew
Underneath a street sign ‘St Matthew’s Close’, someone had pointed out: ‘Well, I can’t see him.’

Help
A minister was asked to give the grace at a parish dinner. ‘Thank you Lord, for this food, and we pray for strength to eat it!”

On what sort of dog a clergyman should own
The Rectory
St. James the Least of All

My dear Nephew Darren
I am absolutely delighted to hear that you are getting a dog. But be careful which variety you choose. First, your dog must be something substantial, but not prone to fighting or making amorous advances towards parishioners’ dogs. A mongrel may be all very well for you as a curate, but think to the future when you are an incumbent. Get a pedigree. It sets a better tone at the Rectory.

It should also be a breed that sheds hair copiously, which should deter your more fastidious parishioners from bothering you at home. If it also drools, that is a bonus. I would recommend you do not get a sheepdog. They become neurotic trying to round everyone up as they roam round your lawn at the annual Summer Fete.

It can be quite useful giving your dog a name that – naturally, by coincidence – is remarkably similar to that of an awkward parishioner. Being able to bawl out commands to “come”, “sit”, and “stop that”, along with the pet’s name, can be cathartic to you, salutary to the parishioner concerned and instructive to the rest of your congregation.

Dogs keep every confidence you tell them, are infinitely sympathetic when you moan about the flower arrangers, and make an excellent audience when you rehearse your Sunday sermon on them. Just like my parishioners, my Labrador gives me a look of well-meaning incomprehension as I get underway, and within minutes slips into a peaceful doze, which continues until my sermon concludes.

When gentlemen of the road call, before you open the door, make a series of very audible commands that imply you are restraining a ravenous beast. That your ravenous beast is smiling and tail-wagging, is irrelevant. It will make your caller hesitate to ring the bell another time.

Dogs also provide an excellent excuse for terminating endless meetings, overlong phone calls, parish socials and even visits to the bishop. Even the hardest of hearts cannot stop you from dashing home to give your pet a toilet break, much, of course, as you would like to continue enjoying yourself with whoever it is you are obliged to flee from.

But do not take them to your church council meetings. When difficult decisions have to be made, you can never rely on them voting the way you want. My Labrador will wag her tail and agree with anyone.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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Readings Jeremiah 23.1-6; Colossians 1.11-20; Luke 23.33-43

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  Christ the King
8.00a.m. Holy Communion-  Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion  – Trusley
2.00p.m. Holy Baptism – Long Lane

Saturday
1.00p.m. – 4.00p.m.
CHRISTINGLE FAIR
Church Broughton School

Next Sunday –  Advent Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion-  Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion Long Lane
3.00p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Advance Notice
Saturday & Sunday 3rd & 4th December
Boylestone Christmas Tree Festival

Saturday 3rd  December at 7.00p.m.
Derwent Harps & Nativity – Church Broughton

We remember in our prayers
Today  Falkland Islands (Parish of) – (Canterbury, Falkland Islands) The Rt Revd Nigel William Stock
Monday Kafanchan – ( Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Marcus Dogo 
Tuesday Kagera – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Aaron Kijanjali
Wednesday  Kajiado – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Gadiel Katanga Lenini
Kapsabet – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Paul Korir
Thursday Kajo Keji – (Loryko, Sudan) The Rt Revd Anthony Poggo Dangasuk
Friday
The Most Revd Stanley Ntagali Archbishop of Uganda & and Bishop of Kampala
Assistant Bishop of Kampala – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Hannington Mutebi
Saturday  .Kano – (Kaduna, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Zakka Nyam
Kamango – (Congo) The Rt Revd Sabiti Tibafa DanielSunday Groaner
Someone out there must be very good at Scrabble!

Presbyterian – Best in prayer

Astronomer – Moon starer

Desperation – A rope ends it

The eyes – They see

George Bush – He bugs Gore

The Morse Code – Here come dots

Dormitory – Dirty room

Slot machines – Cash lost in me

Animosity – Is no amity

Election results – Lies; Let’s recount

Snooze alarms – Alas! No more Z’s

A decimal point – I’m a dot in place

The earthquakes – That queer shake

Eleven plus two – Twelve plus one
Did Noah fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms?”
Untimely answered prayer
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”
Clocks
It is told of the great preacher C H Spurgeon that after preaching at length one Sunday he said: “I don’t mind people looking at their watches, but I do dislike to see them holding them to their ears, to see if they are still going.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com


YOU ARE INVITED TO JOIN US AT OUR CHRISTMAS SEASON EVENTS

SATURDAY 26th November 1.00p.m. Christingle Fair (with Santa) – Church Broughton CE Primary School in aid of St Michael & All Angels Church Broughton Church Funds

SATURDAY 3rd December 7.00p.m. Christmas Carols & Nativity Play with Derwent Harps – St Michael & All Angels Church Broughton

SATURDAY 3rd & SUNDAY 4th December Christmas Tree Festival – St John the Baptist, Boylestone

SUNDAY 4th December 10.00a.m. Christingle Service – St Michael & All Angels Church Broughton

SUNDAY 11th December 3.00p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Derby Choristers – St Andrew, Radbourne

SUNDAY 11th December 6.30p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Long Lane Choir – St Chad’s, Longford

SATURDAY 17th December 7.30p.m. Christmas Concert by the Derby Orchestral Society conducted by Dan Pedley – St Michael’s, Church Broughton

SUNDAY 18th December 3.00p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Long Lane Choir – All Saints, Dalbury

SUNDAY 18th December 6.30p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Long Lane Choir – Christ Church, Long Lane

SUNDAY 18th December 6.30p.m. Lessons & Carols – St Michael, Sutton-on-the-Hill

TUESDAY 20th December 7.30p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Boylestone Singers – St Michael & All Angels Church Broughton

THURSDAY 22nd December 7.30p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Derby Choristers – All Saints, Trusley

FRIDAY 23rd December 7.00p.m. Lessons & Carols with the Boylestone Singers – St John the Baptist, Boylestone

SATURDAY, 24th December 5.00p.m. Crib Service – St Michael & All Angels Church Broughton

SATURDAY, 24th December 10.00p.m. Holy Communion & Carols – St Andrew, Radbourne

SATURDAY, 24th December 10.00p.m. Holy Communion & Carols – St Michael, Sutton-on-the-Hill

SATURDAY, 24th December 11.30p.m. Holy Communion & Carols – St Michael & All Angels, Church Broughton

SATURDAY, 24th December 11.30p.m. Holy Communion & Carols – St Chad, Longford

CHRISTMAS DAY 9.45a.m. Holy Communion & Carols – St John the Baptist, Boylestone

CHRISTMAS DAY 10.15a.m. Holy Communion & Carols – All Saints, Dalbury

CHRISTMAS DAY 11.00a.m. Holy Communion & Carols – All Saints, Trusley

SUNDAY, 1st January 10.30a.m. United Holy Communion & Carols – Christ Church, Long Lane

Readings Job 19.23-27a; 2 Thessalonians 2.1-5,13-17; Luke 20.27-38

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 3rd Sunday before Advent
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Next Sunday –  Remembrance Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion & Remembrance – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion & Remembrance – Church Broughton
10.55a.m. Remembrance Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion & Remembrance – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion & Remembrance – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion & Remembrance – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong & Remembrance – Longford
We remember in our prayers
Today  Lusitanian Church (E-P to the Archbishop of Canterbury)
Lusitanian Church – (Portugal) The Rt Revd José Jorge De Pina Cabral
Canons’ Verger Mat Mawson. Verger Dave
Long. Apprentice Verger Joe Grimoldby. Head
Server John Howarth
Monday Isiala-Ngwa – (Aba, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Owen Azubuike
The Friends of Derby Cathedral
Tuesday  Isial-Ngwa South – (Aba, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Isaac Nwaobia
St Mary Coton-in-the-Elms, Clergy: Michael Yates, Janet Turville, Andrea Sims. Readers: Stella Greenwood
Wednesday Jabalpur – (North India) The Rt Revd Dr Prem Singh
St Peter Netherseal Clergy: Michael Yates, Janet Turville, Andrea Sims. Readers: Stella Greenwood
Thursday Jaffna – (South India) The Rt Revd Daniel Selvaratnam Thiagarajah
All Saints Lullington. Clergy: Michael Yates, Janet Turville, Andrea Sims. Readers: Stella Greenwood
Friday Jalingo – (Jos, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Timothy Yahaya
All who care for those affected by war and all those who work for peace in our world.
Saturday  Jamaica & The Cayman Islands – (West Indies) The Rt Revd Howard Gregory
Jamaica – Kingston – (West Indies) The Rt Revd Robert Thompson
Jamaica – Mandeville – (West Indies) Vacant
Jamaica – Montego Bay – (West Indies) The Rt Revd Leon Paul Golding
St Peter Stapenhill, Clergy: Michael Andreyev; Reader: Lynn Chapman.
Sunday Groaner
As for those signs found outside churches:

* Church carpark sign…FOR MEMBERS ONLY. Trespassers will be baptised!!

*No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.

* Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

* Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

* Outside one church is a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed. A headline reads: ‘For fast relief, take two tablets.’

* When the restaurant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters that said, ‘Open Sundays’, the church reciprocated with its own message: ‘We are open on Sundays, too.’

* Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

* Thursday at 10am there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become Little Mothers please see our new minister in the vicarage….

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com