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Monthly Archives: December 2016

Reading Numbers 6.22-27; Galatians 4.4-7; Luke 2.15-21
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today
10.30am Holy Communion – Long Lane
Friday 6th January
11.45a.m. Funeral of Jean Atkins – Boylestone

Next Sunday
Epiphany  – Plough Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
10.30a.m. Plough Sunday Service – Sutton
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
We remember in our prayers
Today Kolhapur – (North India) The Rt Revd Bathuel Tiwade
Monday  Kondoa – (Tanzania) The Rt Revd Given Gaula
Rt Rev Alastair Redfern, Bishop of Derby and his wife Caroline and Bishop Jan and her husband Andrew and their families.
Tuesday
  Kongor – (Upper Nile, Sudan) The Rt Revd Gabriel Thuch Agoth
Community Action Officer: Stella Collishaw
Wednesday  Kontagora – (Lokoja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jonah Ibrahim
Peak Deanery: In a United Benefice the parish of St Barnabus, Bradwell clergy Ian Davis, Josephine Barnes; reader Dorothy Hawkins
Thursday  Kootenay – (British Columbia & the Yukon, Canada) The Most Revd John Elswood Privett
the parish of St Edmund Castleton Clergy: Rev Ian Davis, Rev Josephine Barnes,
Friday  Epiphany
Saturday  Kubwa – ( Abuja, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Duke Akamisoko
parish of St Peter Hope Clergy: Rev Ian Davis, Rev Josephine Barnes,

Sunday Groaner

Overheard on the Wise Men’s journey to Bethlehem

The camel is definitely the ship of the desert. I know it because I’m getting seasick.

OK, we got the gold. We got the frankincense. We got the myrrh. Think we should get something more practical, like nappies, maybe?

At least this gold has doubled in price since we set out from home….

Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

Suppose He really wanted a PlayStation?

I think we took a wrong turn back at Amal’s house.

Why should I always have to be in the rear? It’s somebody else’s turn to get sand in his face.

I need to stop at the bazaar in the next town and pick up one more gift.

You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

They call us wise men – for following a star. But I notice they are all using satnav instead.

New Year problems

As you start the New Year, does this sound like you? ….“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true – some smaller countries are neutral.”

On how to run your Diary for 2017

The Rectory

St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren

So, you have just attended a course on ‘Diary Management’, to get you prepared for another year. If you had visited me, I could have told you all you need to know in half the time. Allow me to provide you with useful information which was probably not provided in your conference hand-outs.

First: buy the smallest diary you can find: large blank pages only encourage you to fill them with too many appointments; the smaller the page, the easier it can be made to appear that your days are fully booked.

Second: make sure that it is of a size that will conveniently fit into any pocket. When dates are being arranged for subsequent meetings, you can theatrically start going through jacket, trouser and overcoat pockets. By the time you discover it was in your briefcase all along, all the dates will have been fixed and no one will notice you never got any of them.

Third: adopt your own private code for bookings. This means that any parishioner looking over your shoulder and seeing “1.30pm PLS” or “7.30pm WTD” will assume you are attending important church meetings. The fact that they mean “Post Lunch Sleep” and “Walk The Dog” will be known to you alone – although do have alternative possibilities for your acronyms should you ever be challenged. My congregation know I am assiduous in attending the “Pauline Letters Seminars” and my membership of the “World Theology Directorate” is of many years standing.

Fourth: Record everything in pencil so that once you return home, you can rub most of it out and can then deny you knew anything about those meetings you were supposed to attend – and to prove it, you can show the blank page in your diary.

Fifth: Put someone else’s address inside your diary. Should you ever have to resort to the ultimate act and need to lose it, you do not want some Good Samaritan returning it to you from the churchyard compost heap.

So you see, your day of flip charts and group discussions were quite wasted – and I would gladly have presented my course for half their price.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace


The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

Collect (Christmas Night)
Eternal God, in the stillness of this night you sent your almighty Word to pierce the world’s darkness with the light of salvation: give to the earth the peace that we long for and fill our hearts with the joy of heaven through our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

(Christmas Day)
Lord Jesus Christ, your birth at Bethlehem draws us to kneel in wonder at heaven touching earth: accept our heartfelt praise as we worship you,  our Saviour and our eternal God.

Readings Isaiah 9.2-7; or Isaiah 62.6-12; or Isaiah 52.7-10;
Titus 2.11-14; or Titus 3.4-7; or Hebrews 1.1-4(5-12)

 

Gospel Luke 2.1-14(15-20); or Luke 2.(1-7)8-20; or John 1.1-14

 

Notices for the week

Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service-Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford

Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley

Next Sunday – (after Christmas)
10.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Christmas Groaner
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(or Everlasting Turkey)
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me
“I’m so glad we bought a turkey and a proper Christmas Tree”
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard
As we tucked into our turkey – a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we’d friends in from next door,
The turkey tasted just as good as it had the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas, Gran came – she’s rather old.
We finished up the Christmas pud – and the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried,
But we were nice and warm inside – we ate the turkey curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died.
The children fought and bickered – we ate the turkey fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave a wince
When he sate down for dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eight day of Christmas, the dog ran off for shelter,
I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of alkaseltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas by lunchtime Dad was blotto.
He knew that bird was back again – this time as a risotto.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the air was rather blue
As everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Christmas tree was moulting,
With chilli and spicy sauce, the turkey was revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas we had smiles on our lips
The guests had gone – the turkey too. We dined on fish and chips!
Snowman
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? – Frostbite.

Wise

A little boy rushed home from school and said excitedly: “I got a part in the Christmas play!”
“What part?” asked his mother.
“I’m one of the three wise guys!”

The Christmas stars
Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be as the clocks chimes midnight on Christmas Eve. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter.
Stronger
Statistics prove we’re all getting stronger. Fifty years ago you needed an estate car to hold £50 worth of Christmas presents. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry £20 worth of Christmas groceries – now a five-year-old can do it.
Top ten things to say about a Christmas gift you don’t like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Well, well, well …

8. Oh dear. If I had not recently shot up four sizes that would’ve fit.

7. This will be perfect for wearing around the garage.

6. Goodness. I hope this never catches fire! Though, there are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire if I go out in it.

3. Sadly, I am allergic to whatever this is made of.

2. To think – I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. What have I done to deserve this?


The Parish Pump can be found on the 
internet at  (note changed address) https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 7.10-16; Romans 1.1-7; Matthew 1.18-25

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  –  Advent 4
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Carol service – Long Lane
Tuesday
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Church Broughton

Thursday
7.30p.m. Carol Service – Trusley

Friday 7.00p.m. Carol ServiceBoylestone

Christmas Eve
5.00p.m. Crib Service – Church Broughton
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
10.00p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.30p.m. Holy Communion – Longford

Next Sunday –  Christmas Day
9.45a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
10.15a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
Advance Notice
Sunday 1st January
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long Lane
We remember in our prayers
Today  Kilmore, Elphin & Ardagh – (Armagh, Ireland) The Rt Revd Ferran Glenfield
Monday  Kimberley & Kuruman – (Southern Africa) The Rt Revd Oswald Swartz
Bishop of Derby’s staff: Chaplain Pippa Rowen, PA Claire Beavis,Admin Assistant Francis Morrison, Nicky Fenton Assistant Chaplain
Tuesday
  The Most Revd Zacharie Masimango Katanda Archbishop of the Congo & Bishop of Kindu
Parishes where there is a clergy vacancy
Wednesday  Kinkiizi – (Uganda) The Rt Revd Dan Zoreka
Thursday  Kinshasa – (Congo) The Rt Revd Achille Mutshindu
Kisangani – (Congo) The Rt Revd Lambert Botolome
Friday 
Kirinyaga – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Joseph Kibuchua
Saturday  Kita Kanto – (Japan) The Rt Revd Zerubbabel Katsuichi Hirota

Sunday Groaner

On the perils of the crib service

The Rectory

St. James the Least of All

My dear Nephew Darren

I was pleased to hear that you enjoyed your first Christmas in your parish, although a little disappointed that you replaced the ‘boring’ Crib Service with a ‘more exciting’ alternative. I have yet to understand the theology – or even point – of your ‘Bananarama’ celebration. I’m sure your bishop would be interested to hear of its biblical authority.

Having said that, our own Crib Service proved to be a little unorthodox, and far from boring. Choosing the cast from the Sunday school is always a delicate process. One of the youngsters who wanted to be Joseph was only given the part of the innkeeper. He seemed to accept the disappointment with good grace, but had clearly made his plans.

On the evening of the performance, Joseph knocked on the innkeeper’s door and asked if there was any room. This was our innkeeper’s great opportunity. He threw open the door and told Joseph and Mary that there was plenty of room and they were both welcome. The cast and audience froze, while the teacher responsible contemplated early retirement.

But Joseph hadn’t got the star part for nothing. He pretended to look round inside and then turned to Mary and said, “Nah, it’s too crowded in there; we’ll use the stable round the back.” And so the nativity was rescued by one nine year-old. There’s episcopal material in that boy.

Christmas would not be the same without carol singing round the village. There is the annual dilemma of deciding just the right moment to go and sing in the pub. Too early, and the customers aren’t sufficiently maudlin to give generously; too late and they drown out the choir with their own variations of ‘Silent Night’. We are offered mulled wine at most of the houses we visit. Mr Prentice’s solo as Balthazar became ever more operatic with his “sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,” as the evening progressed. By the time of our last call his delivery of ‘bleeding, dying’ was so harrowing that Mrs Brody, the village librarian, went pale.

And so to the climax of it all, with the midnight Service. We had a full church lit only by candles, which ruin many a good coat every year. However, Mr Onion’s decision to put up his umbrella as he stood under the great nave candelabra on his way to receive Communion was regarded as being a little de trop by most of us.

But a New Year is now upon us; after the joys of Christmas, Lent comes hard on its heels. Precisely my philosophy: every silver lining contains a cloud.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace


The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Isaiah 35.1-10; James 5.7-10; Matthew 11.2-11

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  –  Advent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communion –  Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion  – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Carol service – Longford
Tuesday
2.30p.m. & 6.00p.m. Long Lane School Nativity (in church)
Wednesday
10.00a.m. Church Broughton School Nativity (in church)
Thursday
6.00p.m. Church Broughton School Nativity (in church)
Next Sunday –  Advent 3
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Carol service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Carol service – Long Lane
Advance Notice
Carol Services
Sunday 11th December
3.00p.m. Radbourne
6.30p.m. Longford
Sunday 18th December
3.00p.m. Dalbury
6.30p.m. Sutton
7.00p.m. Long Lane
Tuesday 20th December 7.30p.m. Church Broughton
Thursday 22nd December 7.30p.m. Trusley
Friday 23rd December 7.00p.m. Boylestone

We remember in our prayers
Today  Kericho (Kenya) – Vacant
Monday  Khartoum – (Northern, Sudan) The Most Revd Ezekiel Kumir Kondo
Ashgate hospice in Chesterfield, Treetops hospice in Risley Nightingale Macmillan continuing Care Unit, Royal Derby Hospital Blythe House Hospice, Buxton
Tuesday  Kasai – (Congo) The Rt Revd Marcel Kapinga
Katanga – (Congo) The Rt Revd Muno Kasima
Hathersage Clergy: Rev Jude Davis, reader John Brunskill, Roger Mather
Wednesday  Kibondo – (Tanzania)
Church Mission Partners serving in distant and dangerous places
Thursday  Kibungo – (Rwanda) The Rt Revd Emmanuel Ntazinda
people held in slavery – pray for an end Human trafficking
Friday 
Kigali – (Rwanda) The Rt Revd Louis Muvunyi
Those for whom you have a special concern this Christmas
Saturday  Kigezi – (Uganda) The Rt Revd George Bagamuhunda
That our children will understand the real meaning of Christmas

Sunday Groaner
Christmas carols as mis-heard by children
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel, Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine …

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful.


The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

 

Readings Isaiah 11.1-10; Romans 15.4-13; Matthew 3.1-12

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  –  Advent 2
8.00a.m. Holy Communion –  Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Christingle Service
Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
4.00p.m. “Christmas Tree Service – Boylestone
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Next Sunday –  Advent 3
8.30a.m. Holy Communion –  Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Carol Service – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Carol service – Longford
Advance Notice
Carol Services
Sunday 11th December
3.00p.m. Radbourne
6.30p.m. Longford
Sunday 18th December
3.00p.m. Dalbury
6.30p.m. Sutton
7.00p.m. Long Lane
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Church Broughton
Thursday 7.30p.m. Trusley
Friday 7.00p.m. Boylestone

We remember in our prayers
Today  Karnataka North – (South India) The Rt Revd Ravikumar J. Niranjan
Peak Deanery Area Dean Colin Pearson
Monday   Karnataka South – (South India) The Rt Revd Mohan Manoraj
St Barnabus, Bradwell clergy Ian Davis, Josephine Barnes, reader Dorothy Hawkins
Tuesday  Kasai – (Congo) The Rt Revd Marcel Kapinga
Katanga – (Congo) The Rt Revd Muno Kasima
All Saints Bakewell Clergy: Rev Tony Kaunhoven, Rev Peter Davies, Reader Judith Hargreave, Brenda Jackson, Pat Bryant
Wednesday  Katakwa – (Kenya) The Rt Revd Zakayo Epusi
Holy Trinity Ashford in the Water,  Clergy: Rev Tony Kaunhoven, Rev Peter Davies, reader Brenda Jackson
Thursday  Katsina – (Kaduna, Nigeria) The Rt Revd Jonathan Bamaiyi
Kebbi – (Kaduna, Nigeria) The Most Revd Edmund Akanya
St Michael & All Angels Sheldon, Clergy: Rev Tony Kaunhoven, Rev Peter Davies, reader Brenda Jackson
Friday 
Keewatin – (Rupert’s Land, Canada) The Most Revd David Norman Ashdown
St Katherine Rowsley, Clergy: Rev Tony Kaunhoven, Rev Peter Davies, reader Brenda Jackson
Saturday  Kentucky – (IV, The Episcopal Church) The Rt Revd Terry White
St Anne Over Haddon, Clergy: Rev Tony Kaunhoven, Rev Peter Davies, reader Pat Bryant

Sunday Groaner
Drive
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.
Save it
Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com