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Monthly Archives: April 2017

Readings Zephaniah 3:14-end; Acts 2:14a, 36-41; Luke 24:13-35

Notices for the week
Today – 3rd Sunday of Easter
10.30a.m. United Service – Boylestone Methodist Church
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
Monday
May Day Festival in Church Broughton
from noon
Saturday
1.00p.m. Long Lane School Spring Fair – at the school

Next Sunday – 4th Sunday of Easter
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service & Holy Baptism – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Sunday Groaner

What now?

An engineer, a manager, and a programmer were driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened out of control. Half way down they managed to stop by running the car against the embankment, narrowly avoiding the cliff’s edge.

Shaken by their narrow escape from death, the manager said, ‘So, we need to organise a committee, have meetings, exchange ideas, and develop a solution.’ The engineer disagreed: ‘We haven’t time. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.’ The programmer objected: ‘Nonsense! We must all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.’


Twitter
A man walked into a church and approached the minister. “I need help. I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The minister looked at him and said gently, “I’m so sorry, I don’t follow you.
Preach
When a minister rehearses his sermon, is he practising what he preaches?
Mr Bones
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and we, his staff, were helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and called, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, miss,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”


Christian dog

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a dog. But they wanted it to be a Christian dog. Down at the local animal sanctuary they were shown a dog that might be suitable, but the family decided to make sure. The father said: “Go fetch my Bible.” Obediently, the dog trotted to the car, grabbed the Bible off the front seat, and laid it at the feet of the man.

“Ah,” said the father, “he may know what the Bible is, but can he find his way around it?” He told the dog to find Psalm 23. The dog opened the Bible with his nose, and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.

“Ah,” said the father, “he may know the Bible, but is he baptized?” Immediately, the dog turned and jumped into the nearby stream, went under, and jumped out again.

“Ah,” said the father, “It may be baptized, but does he pray?” The dog immediately sat down, closed its eyes and waved its front paws in the air. “Wait a minute!” exclaimed the mother, outraged, “this dog is no good for us – he is Pentecostal!”


Letter to God

A Sunday School teacher invited her children to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a really good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”


Gone fishing

Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling vaguely guilty that they had skipped Sunday morning worship. To make matters worse, the fish were not biting.
The first angler finally observed: ‘Perhaps I should have just gone to church.’
To which the other replied: ‘I couldn’t have gone to church in any case, as my wife is home ill in bed.’

 

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Readings  Acts 2.14a,22-32; 1 Peter 1.3-9; John 20.19-31

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 2nd of Easter
9.30a.m. Family Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford1
1.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
NO Evensong at Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Monday 7.30p.m. Sutton Annual Parochial Church Meeting preceded by Fete Planning meeting
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Church Broughton Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Vicarage
Friday 7.00p.m. Dalbury Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Next Sunday – 3rd of Easter
10.30a.m. United Service – Boylestone Methodist Church
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
Sunday Groaner
Mr Bones
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and we, his staff, were helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and called, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, miss,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!” The taxi
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ‘Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared me half to death!’

The passenger apologized and said he hadn’t realized that just a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, ‘You’re right. I’m sorry. Really, it’s not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.’

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Acts 10.34-43 OR  Jeremiah 31:1-6Colossians 3.1-4; John 20.1-18 OR Matthew 28:1-10

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m., Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Wednesday
7.30p.m. Longford Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Thursday 8.00p.m. Trusley Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Church
Next Sunday – 2nd of Easter
9.30a.m. Family Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
NO Evensong at Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Sunday Groaner

On the perils of letting the laity read the lessons

The Rectory

St James the Least of All

My dear Nephew Darren

It was good to see you last Sunday morning on your own home ground. The Service was interesting – although I have yet to recover from that period of frightful liturgical debauchery you call ‘passing the peace’. Why should I welcome total strangers grabbing my hand and smiling deep into my eyes? One lady would simply not let go – I had to shake her off.

As for the reading of the lessons, I was astonished that you allow members of the congregation (in shirtsleeves, too) to bring their own Bible to the front. It lacks any degree of solemnity and decorum. There should be a lectern Bible, preferably about four feet square in dimensions. And where was a suitable lectern? I admit that having a substantial brass eagle in your church would be like placing

Nelson’s Column in a Scout tent, but surely something suitable in wood could be found.

We have quite gone with the fashion here at St James the Least of All, and now have members of the laity – even women! – taking our Bible readings. The decision may have been a mistake. Our lectern stands at 6 feet; Miss Peckham stands at five feet. When she is reading, as far as the congregation can see, we have God’s Word being proclaimed by a straw hat bearing imitation fruit.

The Major’s reading at last Sunday’s Evensong was Numbers 22, and his adoption of different voices for the narrator, Balaam and Balak was acceptable, if a little theatrical. But his use of a fourth voice for the ass turned the occasion into pantomime – a point picked up by our choirboys. When the ass asked: ‘was I ever wont to do so unto thee’, the boys chorused ‘Oh yes you did’. (Surely it should have been “Oh yes thou didst’).

Mrs Smeed’s rendition of the genealogy at the start of Saint Matthew’s gospel clearly takes her back to the schoolroom. She sounded as if she is holding a roll call – and if Shealtiel were by any chance missing, she would demand a good explanation. Your loving uncle,

Eustace

What can I eat for Easter?

Can’t eat beef……mad cow.

Can’t eat chicken…… bird flu.

Can’t eat eggs….. Salmonellla.

Can’t eat pork…..fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis.

Can’t eat fish……. heavy metals in the waters.

Can’t eat fruits and veggies……. insecticides and herbicides.

Can’t eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice…….nasty carbs .

Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves…….chocolate.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

HOLY WEEK SERVICES

Monday 10th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Sutton

6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Tuesday 11th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Church Broughton

6.30p.m. Evensong – Boylestone

Wednesday 12th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Longford

6.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Maundy Thursday 13th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Trusley

6.30p.m. Evensong – Sutton

7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane

Good Friday 14th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone

10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00a.m. Devotional Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Evensong – Longford
Easter Eve Saturday 15th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Long Lane
7.00p.m. Evensong – Longford

Easter Day 16th April

9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton

11.00a.m Holy Communion – Sutton

11.15a.m Holy Communion – Longford

3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury

5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley

6.30p.m Holy Communion – Radbourne

7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane

 

Palm Gospel Matthew 21.1-11
Readings Isaiah 50.4-9a; Philippians 2.5-11
The Passion of our Lord according to  Matthew 26.14-27.66
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
TODAY – –  Palm Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m.  Palm Sunday Service with  the Choir – Longford
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Lent Study – Vicarage
MaundyThursday
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Good Friday
10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00p.m. Devotional Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Said Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Sunday Groaner
Holy days
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, “Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists,” he said, “have no recognized holidays. It’s an unfair discrimination.”
‘Nonsense,’ said the friend, ‘there is always April first….’
Little donkey
An arguing married couple were taking a country drive. As they passed a donkey sanctuary with a number of donkeys grazing, the husband muttered: ‘Some of your relatives, I presume.’
‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘by marriage.’

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com