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Monthly Archives: May 2017

Readings Acts 1.6-14; 1 Peter 4.12-14; 5.6-11; John 17.1-11
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 7th of Easter
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Next Sunday – Pentecost
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion & Holy Baptism – Longford
2.00p.m. Radbourne Fete at       Radbourne Hall
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance notice
On Sunday 11th June, the service at Trusley will be Holy Communion at 12.30p.m.
and  the service at Radbourne will be Holy Communion at 3.00p.m.
Sunday Groaner
Pastoral Search Report
The following is our confidential report on the present candidates for the role of our next minister. It does not make for happy reading.
Adam: Good man, but problems with his wife. Also, one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years, with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but probably a braggart; believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier position over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all, until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbour’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression – collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Deborah: Female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper – even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, and a loose canon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities there.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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On Ascension Day – 25th May -at 7.00p.m. In St Michael & All Angels, Church Broughton the Ascension Day  service of Holy Communion will include prayers for all those affected by the Manchester Bombing, the victims, the emergency services and all affected.

All are welcome to this service. the parish churches at Boylestone, Church Broughton, Dalbury, Longford, Long Lane, Radbourne, Sutton-on-the Hill and Trusley will all be open through the day for private prayer on Wednesday and Thursday

Michael Bishop (Rector)

Readings  Acts 17.22-31; 1 Peter 3.13-22;  John 14.15-21
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 6th of Easter – Rogation Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Rogation Service & Walk     – Long Lane
This service begins in church and continues in the lanes and fields of the village with prayers for God’s blessing on the growing crops and our communities.
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Archdeacon’s Visitation – Etwall
Thursday – Ascension Day
7.00p.m. Holy Communion     – Church Broughton
Friday 6.00p.m. Sutton Fete
Next Sunday – 7th of Easter
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Sunday Groaner
On a very English sort of family… Throckmarsh Hall revisited
Readers of the St. James the Least letters have asked to know a little about the family history of the characters involved; it is a little unusual…
Many decades ago, Admiral Horatio and his wife the Honourable Mrs Chalfont-Morgan lived at Throckmarsh Hall, Gloucestershire. There they had two children, Eustace and Penelope.
Eustace followed a traditional path: public school, then Oxford. He was something of a disappointment to his father as careers in the armed forces, law or finance were clearly not appropriate to his temperament. Having sung in the school chapel choir and later been an occasional church attender, ordination into the Church of England seemed the only choice.
Eustace served his curacy in one of the more fashionable churches in central London, before becoming chaplain to the bishop of one of our ancient dioceses in southern England. His machiavellian talents made the life of the bishop so much easier that by way of reward, Eustace was comfortably settled into one of the pleasanter parishes in the Cotswolds, where he remained for the next 40 years. His eventual sudden death, the result of an apoplectic seizure, would happen when he read in “The Times” one morning over breakfast that one of his former curates had been appointed a bishop. But that is fortunately still some years off.
Penelope’s life was rather different. She was recalled from finishing school in Switzerland to become companion to her mother, on the death of her father while at sea. One day, while running errands in the local market town, she met Jack Crump, a second-hand car salesman from Liverpool. She eloped and they married. Within months, it was discovered that he was already married – to two other ladies. Unfortunately by this time, Penelope was pregnant and later gave birth to her only child, Darren.
One day many years later, Darren was cycling to his work at the local undertakers when he suddenly knew he was being called to ordination. After studying by correspondence course, he was ordained and served his curacy in an inner-city parish in the North West of England.
His only living relation was his uncle Eustace, who felt a duty to keep an eye on his innocent nephew. The two were less chalk and cheese, more Chateau d’Yquem and draught bitter. Uncle Eustace, with resigned determination, sent his young nephew a series of monthly letters, advising him on all aspects of parish ministry.
Darren later denied that it was these letters that eventually drove him to minister to natives in the remote forests of Brazil, far from any postman…
Breakable
There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country… ‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ answered the lady.
Morning prayer
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good Lord, it’ s morning.’
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Reading Acts 7.55-60;  1 Peter 2.2-10;  John 14.1-14

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today –  5th of Easter
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – 6th of Easter – Rogation Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Rogation Service & Walk – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Church music
The vicar wrote in his parish magazine: We have been most fortunate this year with our choirmaster and organist. Both have been given appointments that will take them from us.
Out of order
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Seize the day
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.
Too-happy hour
Pewsheet notice: ‘We regret to announce that the “Ladies Happy Hour” is heavily in debt following their recent “Sponsored Silence”.
Windy
Three elderly ministers, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. The Methodist minister observed, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No’, the Baptist pastor said, ‘It’s Thursday.’ The Anglican vicar agreed: ‘So am I! Let’s go and get a pint.’
The end
Seen in a pew-sheet: Tim and Jessie were married on 29th April. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Youth group
Seen in a pew-sheet: Members of our youth group are washing cars in the church car park this Saturday. Please bring your car along so they can wash it for you. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Robes
Seen in a pew-sheet: Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Collect
Readings Acts 2.42-47; 1 Peter 2.19-25; John 10.1-10
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – 4th of Easter
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service & Holy Baptism – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m.Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
6.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday 2.30p.m. Funeral of Brian Edward john Smith – Sutton
Tuesday 1.30p.m. Funeral of Michael Edward Young – Radbourne
Next Sunday – 5th of Easter
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Sunday Groaner
On the hazards of baptisms
The Rectory
St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren
Your new thermostatically controlled, underwater illuminated baptismal tank with wave simulation, for total immersions, sounds rather intimidating. I am slightly surprised you don’t have computer-generated doves flying overhead, in order to add that final touch of authenticity. I would imagine that to perform baptisms in your tank, you need a degree in electrical engineering as much as one in theology.
I do, however, agree with your Vicar’s decision to stop the practice of you performing these rituals in the river Mersey. It is one thing for your newly baptised to emerge from the waters filled with the Holy Spirit, and quite another to emerge filled with typhoid. Better to give them a baptismal certificate, rather than a free ride to the hospital for a stomach pump. The river Jordan may have been all very well for John the Baptist, but I expect that even he would hesitate at the river Mersey.
Had I baptised dear Miss Pemberton in the Mersey last month – at 93 years, taking the decision a little late in life (I did not attempt to hold her in one arm) – being a lady of such proportions, I suspect she would have constituted a shipping hazard.
I appreciate your suggestion that such procedures would look charming on the banks of our local Cotswold stream, but irrespective of our differing theologies, I would not want to be seen by parishioners in my bathing costume. Such apparel may be all very well when I am on holiday somewhere where I am totally unknown, but it hardly seems fitting for an honorary Canon in his parish.
I do concede that baptisms in medieval fonts can have their own particular problems. The plug in our own has never fitted properly, and so after filling it, I know I have precisely 16 minutes and 45 seconds to come to the actual baptism, otherwise the water has disappeared entirely. As I have discovered over the years, it is impossible to look dignified disappearing into the vestry half way through the Service in order to fetch a second bucket. For baptisms in winter, the presentation from Admiral Barnaby of the small silver hammer has been a great help in order to break the ice that slowly forms across the surface as the service proceeds.
In future, as you and your own candidates luxuriate in this heated baptismal spa, do spare a thought for those of us who maintain the true faith.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
Out of order
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Seize the day
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.
Too-happy hour
Pewsheet notice: ‘We regret to announce that the “Ladies Happy Hour” is heavily in debt following their recent “Sponsored Silence”.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com