Readings Isaiah 40.12-17,27-31; 2 Corinthians 13.11-13; Matthew 28.16-20
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Confirmation & Holy Communion – Marston-on-Dove
12.30p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy – Communion – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Long Lane PCC
Thursday 1.30p.m. Longford School Sports followed by School Fair
7.00p.m. Longford PCC
Friday 7.00p.m. Bingo – Boylestone
Next Sunday – Trinity 1
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
A little boy had been very naughty and as a punishment his mother told him he would go without his favourite vegetable. He sat down for a meal, his mother served, carrots, corn, – – and? “It’s no use waiting,” said his mother, “I told you, no peas for the wicked.”
Which way to Heaven?
The Rev Dr Billy Graham told of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter before the service, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Billy Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.”
The boy replied, “I don’t think I’ll be there… You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
St James the Least of All
On the hazards of baptisms
St. James the Least
My dear Nephew Darren
Your new thermostatically controlled, underwater illuminated baptismal tank with wave simulation, for total immersions, sounds rather intimidating. I am slightly surprised you don’t have computer-generated doves flying overhead, in order to add that final touch of authenticity. I would imagine that to perform baptisms in your tank, you need a degree in electrical engineering as much as one in theology.
I do, however, agree with your Vicar’s decision to stop the practice of you performing these rituals in the river Mersey. It is one thing for your newly baptised to emerge from the waters filled with the Holy Spirit, and quite another to emerge filled with typhoid. Better to give them a baptismal certificate, rather than a free ride to the hospital for a stomach pump. The river Jordan may have been all very well for John the Baptist, but I expect that even he would hesitate at the river Mersey.
Had I baptised dear Miss Pemberton in the Mersey last month – at 93 years, taking the decision a little late in life (I did not attempt to hold her in one arm) – being a lady of such proportions, I suspect she would have constituted a shipping hazard.
I appreciate your suggestion that such procedures would look charming on the banks of our local Cotswold stream, but irrespective of our differing theologies, I would not want to be seen by parishioners in my bathing costume. Such apparel may be all very well when I am on holiday somewhere where I am totally unknown, but it hardly seems fitting for an honorary Canon in his parish.
I do concede that baptisms in medieval fonts can have their own particular problems. The plug in our own has never fitted properly, and so after filling it, I know I have precisely 16 minutes and 45 seconds to come to the actual baptism, otherwise the water has disappeared entirely. As I have discovered over the years, it is impossible to look dignified disappearing into the vestry half way through the Service in order to fetch a second bucket. For baptisms in winter, the presentation from Admiral Barnaby of the small silver hammer has been a great help in order to break the ice that slowly forms across the surface as the service proceeds.
In future, as you and your own candidates luxuriate in this heated baptismal spa, do spare a thought for those of us who maintain the true faith.
Your loving uncle,
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com