Archive

Monthly Archives: June 2017

Readings Jeremiah 20.7-13; Romans 6.1b-11; Matthew 10.24-39

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 2
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
5p.m. Evensong Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Tuesday 7.30p.m. Church Broughton PCC
Thursday 1.45p.m. Funeral of Sam Morley –  Boylestone
Friday 12.30p.m. Wedding – Longford
Saturday 12.30p.m. Wedding – Sutton
Next Sunday – Trinity 2
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Longford NOTE TIME
3.00p.m. EvensongDalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Sunday Groaner

Late for church
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for church. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”
Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Advertisements

Readings Exodus 19.2-8a; Romans 5.1-8; Matthew 9.35-10.8(9-23)
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 1
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Next Sunday – Trinity 2
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

ADVANCE NOTICE
On Sunday 2nd July the service at Longford will be at the time of
12.15p.m. Holy Communion 

Sunday Groaner
Miscellaneous observations from modern life

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes? Come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

The alternative to a holiday is to stay home, and tip every third person
ou see.

I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and am now the proud owner of Aisle 4.

Why are buildings called buildings when they are finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why is it that when you tell a man there are 400 billion stars he will believe you, but when you tell him there’s wet paint he has to touch it?

If your supermarket is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 40.12-17,27-31; 2 Corinthians 13.11-13; Matthew 28.16-20
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Confirmation & Holy Communion – Marston-on-Dove
12.30p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy – Communion – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Tuesday 7.30p.m. Long Lane PCC

Thursday 1.30p.m. Longford School Sports followed by School Fair
7.00p.m. Longford PCC

Friday 7.00p.m. Bingo – Boylestone

Next Sunday – Trinity 1
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner

The wicked
A little boy had been very naughty and as a punishment his mother told him he would go without his favourite vegetable. He sat down for a meal, his mother served, carrots, corn, – – and? “It’s no use waiting,” said his mother, “I told you, no peas for the wicked.”

Which way to Heaven?
The Rev Dr Billy Graham told of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter before the service, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Billy Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.”
The boy replied, “I don’t think I’ll be there… You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

St James the Least of All

On the hazards of baptisms

The Rectory

St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren

Your new thermostatically controlled, underwater illuminated baptismal tank with wave simulation, for total immersions, sounds rather intimidating. I am slightly surprised you don’t have computer-generated doves flying overhead, in order to add that final touch of authenticity. I would imagine that to perform baptisms in your tank, you need a degree in electrical engineering as much as one in theology.

I do, however, agree with your Vicar’s decision to stop the practice of you performing these rituals in the river Mersey. It is one thing for your newly baptised to emerge from the waters filled with the Holy Spirit, and quite another to emerge filled with typhoid. Better to give them a baptismal certificate, rather than a free ride to the hospital for a stomach pump. The river Jordan may have been all very well for John the Baptist, but I expect that even he would hesitate at the river Mersey.

Had I baptised dear Miss Pemberton in the Mersey last month – at 93 years, taking the decision a little late in life (I did not attempt to hold her in one arm) – being a lady of such proportions, I suspect she would have constituted a shipping hazard.

I appreciate your suggestion that such procedures would look charming on the banks of our local Cotswold stream, but irrespective of our differing theologies, I would not want to be seen by parishioners in my bathing costume. Such apparel may be all very well when I am on holiday somewhere where I am totally unknown, but it hardly seems fitting for an honorary Canon in his parish.

I do concede that baptisms in medieval fonts can have their own particular problems. The plug in our own has never fitted properly, and so after filling it, I know I have precisely 16 minutes and 45 seconds to come to the actual baptism, otherwise the water has disappeared entirely. As I have discovered over the years, it is impossible to look dignified disappearing into the vestry half way through the Service in order to fetch a second bucket. For baptisms in winter, the presentation from Admiral Barnaby of the small silver hammer has been a great help in order to break the ice that slowly forms across the surface as the service proceeds.

In future, as you and your own candidates luxuriate in this heated baptismal spa, do spare a thought for those of us who maintain the true faith.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Acts 2.1-21; 1 Corinthians 12.3b-13; John 20.19-23
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Pentecost
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion & Holy Baptism – Longford
2.00p.m. Radbourne Fete at       Radbourne Hall
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday 7.30p.m. Boylestone PCC
Friday 6.30p.m. Longford Fete
Saturday 3.00p.m. Teddy Parachuting – Church Broughton

Next Sunday – Trinity Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Confirmation & Holy Communion – Marston-on-Dove
12.30p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy – Communion – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Sunday Groaner

New vicar’s prayer
The new vicar was taking his first service, and determined to make a good impression. The congregation sat spellbound throughout the eloquent sermon and the extended intercessions, which seemed to cover the whole category of human wants. After the service one church member asked another in awe: “Don’t you think our new vicar prays well?
“I most certainly do,” was the answer. “Why that man asked the good Lord for things that our old vicar didn’t even know He had!”

Night-time prayers
The little boy was saying his go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice. “I can’t hear you, dear,” his mother whispered.
“Wasn’t talking to you,” said the small one firmly.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com