Archive

Monthly Archives: July 2017

Readings 1 Kings 3.5-12; Romans 8.26-39; Matthew 13.31-33,44-52

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 7
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long Lane
Next Sunday – Trinity 8
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Helpful signs
Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

In front of a church: Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

In the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

A sign advertising a Company-wide skiing race: Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.

Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

On a plumber’s van: We repair what your husband fixed.

Help from above
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the minister’s study and asked for help.
The minister came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.
“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Advertisements

Readings Isaiah 44.6-8; Romans 8.12-25; Matthew 13.24-30,36-43

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity  6
9.00a.m.Holy Communion  – Longford
NOTE TIME
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boyleston
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane NOTE TIME
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Monday
7.30p.m. Sutton PCC meeting

Next Sunday – Trinity 7
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
On the joys of exchanging parishes for the summer

From: The Rectory, St. John the Faster, Waterhouses-on-Sea

My dear Nephew Darren

You will see that I write to you this month from the Norfolk coast, where I am spending August, on an annual exchange of parishes with a clerical colleague. You may have had two weeks in July sunning yourself on an exotic beach on a Pacific island, but I am content with a bracing east wind, punctuated by heavy showers.

Come the happy day when you are an incumbent and have to arrange parish exchanges as a way of getting a holiday, let me give you some advice. First, always exchange with someone who is a worse preacher than you are and whose sermons are at least twice as long; you are then sure to be welcomed back with open arms.

Secondly, since it is normally assumed that you will take care of one another’s gardens during the month, make sure that the incumbent you exchange with has an insignificant plot. My colleague should now be largely occupied for most of the month mowing several acres of lawn. The only gardening I intend to do will be in the last week, so I can return with a car full of plums from his trees.

An exchange also gives one an opportunity to undertake helpful improvements in another’s home. I have discovered that my colleague’s library is carefully organised with books according to subject and then author. On his return he will find a new system in operation: they will be ordered according to size and colour. The poor man also naively thought I would never discover his stock of claret in the cellars; it will be much depleted on his return – although I shall naturally leave a note thanking him profusely for laying on such a splendid present for my visit.

Ministering to someone else’s congregation can create another opportunity. For one month in the year, you are able to say exactly what you want. If a dear lady should be foolish enough to ask you after Mattins what you think of her hat, you can tell her with total honesty, knowing that someone else will have to pour oil the following month. Upsetting organists, choristers, vergers, flower arrangers and anyone else who happens to cross your path can be bracingly therapeutic when you do not have to face the consequences.

You may have returned from sunnier climes relaxed and tanned, but I shall arrive at September refreshed from knowing I leave behind a trail of devastation and chaos, which will ensure that my host will also be welcomed back by a relieved congregation. Remember the golden rule of parishioners: every new incumbent is worse than his predecessor.

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 55.10-13; Romans 8.1-11; Matthew 13.1-9,18-23

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity  5
8.00a.m.Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Sutton PCC meeting has been postponed
Wednesday 6.00p.m. Long Lane Fete – opposite the Three Horseshoes
Thursday 2.00p.m. Long Lane Leavers’Service
Next Sunday – Trinity 6
9.00a.m.Holy Communion  – Longford  NOTE TIME
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane NOTE TIME
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Sunday Groaner
Notices that didn’t quite ‘make it’…
The preacher for Sunday next will be found hanging on the notice board in the porch.
Churchyard maintenance is becoming increasingly difficult, so it will be appreciated if parishioners cut the grass around their own graves.
Baptism
The vicar announced that an additional font would soon be placed in the church, so that babies could be baptised at both ends.
No worries
A 102 year-old lady was asked if she had any worries about the future, and replied: “Not since I got my eldest son into an old people’s home.’
Life choice
A small boy returned from Sunday School in tears. When questioned by his mother for the reason of his distress, he gulped: ‘Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, but I want to be an engine driver.’
Day trip?
A north country choirmaster was rehearsing the hymns for Sunday, telling the choir the hymns they were to sing, and the tunes to which they were to sing them. He concluded the list and said, “Now then, “Come ye that love the Lord”, to Southport!’
A moment later a voice called out, ‘Where are you tekking t’rest of us then?’

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Zechariah 9.9-12; Romans 7.15-25a; Matthew 11.16-19,25-30
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 4
8.30a.m.Holy Communion – Long Lane9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – Trinity 5
8.00a.m.Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance notice
On Sunday 23rd July here will changes of service time:
Longford – Holy Communion at 9.00a.m.
Long Lane – Holy Communion at 12.15p.m.
Sunday Groaner
On what clergy should wear on their feet
The Rectory
St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren

Thank you for sending me the photograph of you having your face painted at your parish’s ‘Fun Day’ – although I can’t help feeling that to label an event ‘fun’ is the most effective way of draining it of all amusement whatsoever. Why on earth can’t parishes continue with the traditional title of ‘Crowning of the Rose Queen and Fete’, equally traditionally grimly enjoyed to the accompaniment of thunder and torrential rain.

However, the one thing that caused me the greatest concern in your photo was the fact that you were wearing sandals. Sandals are only to be worn by Franciscan monks (without socks) and holidaymakers on Blackpool promenade (regrettably, generally with socks). I know that you will argue that Jesus wore sandals. This was mainly because reliable pairs of brogues had yet to be invented, but also because He lived in a hot, dry country. We live in a cold, wet one.

The only appropriate colour for footwear for a parish priest is black and the only appropriate material is leather – although I will concede that can create difficulties. Wet leather shoes and polished marble sanctuary floors are a potentially lethal combination.

I well remember as a curate when old Canon Griffith entered the Sanctuary, having just got drenched coming from the Rectory. His feet moved across the marble floor some miles per hour faster than the rest of his body. Had he landed face down, the congregation may have assumed he was reverently prostrating himself before the altar. But lying in a supine position, staring in a dazed state at the rafters, only conveyed inappropriate indolence, when he should be at work.

However, do not take the alternative of wearing crepe soles. I suspect your present church will be fully carpeted – it seems to go with your sort of theology – and there will be no problem. But crepe soles and any sort of polished stone floor are a truly disastrous mixture. The slightest movement will make it sound as if you are being followed by a swarm of demented frogs.
Your loving uncle,
Eustace
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Jeremiah 28.5-9; Romans 6.12-23; Matthew 10.40-42

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 3
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a,m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Next Sunday – Trinity 4
8.30a.m.Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Sunday Groaner
Who tore down the walls of Jericho?!
The new minister decided to visit the Sunday school in his new church, to see what the children were like. The teacher explained that that morning they were looking at the book of Joshua. ‘That’s wonderful,’ said the new minister, ‘let’s see what you’re learning. So tell me, who tore down the walls of Jericho?’

After a short silence, one small lad, Billy, shyly raised his hand. ‘Please sir, it wasn’t me.’

Taken aback, the minister said. ‘That’s silly, and you know it. Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?’

The teacher interrupted firmly: ‘Vicar, Billy’s basically a good boy. If he says he didn’t do it, then I believe he didn’t do it.’

Flustered, the minister went to the churchwarden and related the story to him. ‘That child won’t tell me who tore down the walls of Jericho!’

The church warden looked concerned. ‘Oh dear. We’ve had some problems with Billy before. But a wall! Let me talk to him and see what we can do.’

Really bothered now by the lack of biblical knowledge in his new church, the new minister brought up the subject with his curate the next morning. ‘I was shocked to learn that neither Billy, the teacher, nor the church warden can tell me who tore down the walls of Jericho!’

The curate, a peace-loving young woman, tried to calm the situation. ‘Well, vicar, these things happen. I think we just take the money from the general fund and offer to pay for the walls, and leave it at that.’Who tore down the walls of Jericho?!

Medical knowledge
If you have never worried about the NHS before, perhaps it is time to begin now… here are ten actual sentences written in patient’s notes

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Prayer of a hard-pressed woman
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him
And Patience to cope with his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death.
Amen

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com