Archive

Monthly Archives: August 2017

Readings Isaiah 51.1-6; Romans 12:1-8;  Matthew 16.13-20

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity  11
9.00a.m.Holy Communion – Longford
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion & Holy Baptism – Long Lane
2.00p.m. Holy Baptism – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Thursday 3.00p.m. Wedding – Longford
Next Sunday – Trinity 12
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Advance Notice
Sunday 10th September
11.00a.m. United Holy Communion at Church Broughton to mark the rector’s retirement. The service will be followed by a bring and share lunch in church

Sunday Groaner
Say again?
The foreign student fell in love, and wanted to say: ‘I am bent on seeing you…’ but he wrote: ‘the sight of you doubles me up.’
Politicians
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
Hymns for People Over 50
Give Me the Old Timers’ Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

When young children pray…

“Lead a snot into temptation.”

“And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

“Give us this day our jelly bread.”

“Our Father, who art in heaven, how didja know my name?”

Game rules
During the local football game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is?” The little boy nodded yes. “Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes.“Okay,” the coach continued, “do you also understand that when the referee makes a decision, you don’t argue or curse or threaten to attack him, right?”Again, the boy nodded vigourously.”Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Advertisements

Readings Isaiah 56.1,6-8; Romans 11.1-2a,29-32; Matthew 15.(10-20)21-28

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 10
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Friday Longford & Long Lane Farewell evening
Saturday Boylestone Show

Next Sunday – Trinity 1
9.00a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Baptism & Holy Communion – Long Lane
2.00p.m. Holy Baptism – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Advance Notice
Friday 1st September 12noon
Thanksgiving service for Rev David Rymer – Quarndon
Friday 8th September
7.30p.m. Sutton Harvest Supper

Sunday 3rd September
NB The service at Longford will be 12.15p.m. Holy Communion

Sunday 10th September
There will be a single united service for the benefice in Church Broughton at 11.00a.m. To mark the rector’s last Sunday in the benefice. This service will be followed by a bring and share lunch in church.

Sunday Groaner
Church notices that didn’t come out quite right…

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn-sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the church hall on Friday afternoon.

The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. All proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Golf

There was a clergyman who was an avid golfer. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golf, and the minister could not resist the temptation. He rang his assistant and told him he was too ill to attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognise him. Happily, he began to play the course. But an angel up above was watching the minister and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ‘Look at the minister. He should be punished for what he’s doing.’

God nodded in agreement. The minister teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The minister was amazed and overjoyed. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said: ‘Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.’ And God smiled. ‘Think about it; who can he tell?’

Observations on cats

Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)
Helpful signs

Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

In front of a church: Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings 1 Kings 19.9-18; Romans 10.5-15; Matthew 14.22-33

 

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Trinity 9
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Saturday
6.30p.m. Boylestone short farewell service

Next Sunday – Trinity 9
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Go on
The critic started to leave in the middle of the second act of the play. ‘Don’t go now,’ he pleaded. ‘I promise there’s a terrific kick in the next act.’
‘Fine’, was the retort. ‘Give it to the author.’
Music appreciation
The music critic enthused: “Here is Tchaikovsky at his best. Music so beautiful it has to be heard to be appreciated.”
A lot of music is like that.
Drama
“Did the play have an unhappy ending?”
“Oh no – everyone was glad when it was over!”
Spelling
Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that’s incorrect.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Readings Isaiah 55.1-5; Romans 9.1-5; Matthew 14.13-21

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK

Today – Trinity 8
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Next Sunday – Trinity 9
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Sunday Groaner
On why the parish goes to war over pumpkin-growing

From The Rectory

St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren

Anyone who thinks that the English are a peaceful race has obviously never organised the annual pumpkin growing competition. Very regrettably, one of the Pilgrim Fathers sent a handful of pumpkin seeds to a relation in this parish in the 17th century and ever since, the church has been obliged to hold an annual competition to see who can grow the largest. I suspect some of the original recipients of those seeds still compete. There is a certain irony that the church, which is supposed to promote peace and harmony, sponsors the most war-like activity in the annual calendar.

Mobilisation starts at the beginning of the year when seeds are planted. From that moment on, every other potential entrant is regarded as the Enemy. Once seedlings are planted out, then heavy armaments are placed at boundaries to deter possible invasion. By late Spring, paranoia has taken over and rumours begin to circulate of espionage and sinister undetectable herbicides. Anyone in the village with a beard is looked on with deep suspicion.

In the weeks before the competition, homes, partners and children are abandoned, as contestants talk to their pumpkins by day and snuggle up with them at night. Should bad weather arrive at this point, then I am blamed for not having prayed sufficiently fervently for sunshine and light rain. If only I had such influence.

On the day before the show, tables are put out and woe betide anyone who places their cake stand where Mrs Cholmondeley has put her tea urn for the past 25 years; she now believes she has squatters rights to that place and any challenge to her claim would probably result in litigation.

I find this competitive spirit a little bemusing, as for the last 25 years, the Earl of Stowe has always won first prize. That his mother, the Dowager Countess, is the judge, is, I am sure, pure coincidence. That she has arrived for the past three years with a white stick and accompanied by a golden Labrador does, however, raise doubts.

To award the Earl any prize at all does seem a little unfair, when the only time he ever gets mud on his boots is when he falls off his horse while hunting. I suspect he would be hard pressed to find where the kitchen garden is on his estate. But to give any credit to his gardening staff would be seen as bad form, so we all keep quiet.

It has been tentatively suggested that another judge should be appointed, but no one has so far had the courage to step forward. They may have the privilege of nominating the winner, but would also have to face a twelve month period of hatred from all those who were not successful. Christmas card lists will be amended. Families may have sat next to them in church for generations, but would suddenly find it more congenial to worship in another part of the church. Letters would be strangely mis-delivered and the butcher’s boy would suddenly deliver lamb when pork had been ordered. Who could dare to take on such a poisoned chalice?

Your loving uncle,

Eustace

Sounds

Music festival as parent drops off teenagers…

Daughter: Did you ever hear anything so amazing as that band?

Father: Well, I once heard a collision between

a milk float and a little van filled with ducks.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com