Archive

Holy Week & Easter Services

Reading Acts 10.34-43 OR  Jeremiah 31:1-6Colossians 3.1-4; John 20.1-18 OR Matthew 28:1-10

NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
Today – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m., Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Wednesday
7.30p.m. Longford Annual Parochial Church Meeting
Thursday 8.00p.m. Trusley Annual Parochial Church Meeting – Church
Next Sunday – 2nd of Easter
9.30a.m. Family Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
NO Evensong at Radbourne
6.45p.m. Evensong – Trusley
Sunday Groaner

On the perils of letting the laity read the lessons

The Rectory

St James the Least of All

My dear Nephew Darren

It was good to see you last Sunday morning on your own home ground. The Service was interesting – although I have yet to recover from that period of frightful liturgical debauchery you call ‘passing the peace’. Why should I welcome total strangers grabbing my hand and smiling deep into my eyes? One lady would simply not let go – I had to shake her off.

As for the reading of the lessons, I was astonished that you allow members of the congregation (in shirtsleeves, too) to bring their own Bible to the front. It lacks any degree of solemnity and decorum. There should be a lectern Bible, preferably about four feet square in dimensions. And where was a suitable lectern? I admit that having a substantial brass eagle in your church would be like placing

Nelson’s Column in a Scout tent, but surely something suitable in wood could be found.

We have quite gone with the fashion here at St James the Least of All, and now have members of the laity – even women! – taking our Bible readings. The decision may have been a mistake. Our lectern stands at 6 feet; Miss Peckham stands at five feet. When she is reading, as far as the congregation can see, we have God’s Word being proclaimed by a straw hat bearing imitation fruit.

The Major’s reading at last Sunday’s Evensong was Numbers 22, and his adoption of different voices for the narrator, Balaam and Balak was acceptable, if a little theatrical. But his use of a fourth voice for the ass turned the occasion into pantomime – a point picked up by our choirboys. When the ass asked: ‘was I ever wont to do so unto thee’, the boys chorused ‘Oh yes you did’. (Surely it should have been “Oh yes thou didst’).

Mrs Smeed’s rendition of the genealogy at the start of Saint Matthew’s gospel clearly takes her back to the schoolroom. She sounded as if she is holding a roll call – and if Shealtiel were by any chance missing, she would demand a good explanation. Your loving uncle,

Eustace

What can I eat for Easter?

Can’t eat beef……mad cow.

Can’t eat chicken…… bird flu.

Can’t eat eggs….. Salmonellla.

Can’t eat pork…..fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis.

Can’t eat fish……. heavy metals in the waters.

Can’t eat fruits and veggies……. insecticides and herbicides.

Can’t eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice…….nasty carbs .

Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves…….chocolate.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

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HOLY WEEK SERVICES

Monday 10th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Sutton

6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne

Tuesday 11th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Church Broughton

6.30p.m. Evensong – Boylestone

Wednesday 12th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Longford

6.30p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Maundy Thursday 13th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Trusley

6.30p.m. Evensong – Sutton

7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane

Good Friday 14th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone

10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00a.m. Devotional Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Evensong – Longford
Easter Eve Saturday 15th April

7.30a.m. Mattins – Long Lane
7.00p.m. Evensong – Longford

Easter Day 16th April

9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton

11.00a.m Holy Communion – Sutton

11.15a.m Holy Communion – Longford

3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury

5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley

6.30p.m Holy Communion – Radbourne

7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane

 

Palm Gospel Matthew 21.1-11
Readings Isaiah 50.4-9a; Philippians 2.5-11
The Passion of our Lord according to  Matthew 26.14-27.66
NOTICES FOR THE WEEK
TODAY – –  Palm Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m.  Palm Sunday Service with  the Choir – Longford
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Lent Study – Vicarage
MaundyThursday
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Good Friday
10.00a.m. Devotional Service – Boylestone
2.00p.m. Devotional Service – Sutton
7.00p.m. Said Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – Easter Day
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
Sunday Groaner
Holy days
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, “Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists,” he said, “have no recognized holidays. It’s an unfair discrimination.”
‘Nonsense,’ said the friend, ‘there is always April first….’
Little donkey
An arguing married couple were taking a country drive. As they passed a donkey sanctuary with a number of donkeys grazing, the husband muttered: ‘Some of your relatives, I presume.’
‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘by marriage.’

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com

Palm Gospel Luke 19:28-40

 

 

Readings Isaiah 50.4-9a; Philippians 2.5-11; Luke 22.14-23.56

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We remember in our prayers
Today   Pray for the peace of Jerusalem
Jerusalem – (Jerusalem & Middle East) The Rt Revd Suheil Dawani
Monday  Bondo – (Kenya) Rt Revd Johannes Angela
Archbishops: Justin Welby, John Sentamu
Tuesday Bor – (Upper Nile, Sudan) The Rt Revd Ruben Akurdid Ngong
Archdeacons: Christopher Cunliffe, Christine Wilson
Wednesday Botswana – (Central Africa) The Rt Revd Metlhayotlhe Rawlings Belemi
Provincial Episcopal Visitor, Bishop of Ebbsfleet Jonathan Goodall Assistant Bishops: Jack Nicholls, Richard Inwood, Tim Ellis
Thursday Brandon (Rupert’s Land, Canada) The Rt Revd William Cliff
Friday
Brasilia – (Brazil) The Rt Revd Maurício Jose Araujo De Andrade
Saturday 
Brechin – (Scotland) The Rt Revd Nigel Peyton
Sunday Groaner
Lost in translation
Are you travelling this Easter? Keep an eye out for those delightful translations into English that didn’t quite make it…

Danish airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Heathrow: No electric people carrying vehicles past this point.

Japanese taxi: Safety first: please put on your seatbelt. Prepare for accident.

Kenyan maternity ward: No children allowed.

Beijing shop: Haircuts half price today. Only one per customer.

Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Beware of these contagious diseases in church

Frontophobia: A morbid fear of the front seats in church. The sufferer is struck by an attack just inside the church door, and collapses in the nearest back seat.

Ear Frequency Destruction: Caused by sitting near the loudspeaker when the minister is singing full volume, off-key, etc., into the microphone.

Sermonic Throat: A dreaded choking caused by the start of the sermon. The sufferer unwraps a sweet very slowly and noisily, which seems to effect a complete cure.

Double Auricular Clearance: A condition due to the simultaneous opening of both ear ducts, which allows sound to enter one ear and leave the other without any absorption thereof. Condition is acute during Bible reading and sermon.

Accelerate Vocal Response: A condition which causes the sufferer to try to sing faster than the organ.

Retarded Vocal Response: condition which causes the sufferer to try to sing slower than the organ.

Theexits: A condition where the sufferer rushes for the exit before the minister gets there.

Church Meeting Paralysis: This can strike suddenly, when a post in the church needs filling. A good dose of enthusiasm works wonders with this sad affliction.

Miscellaneous observations on daily life

~ A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A healthy adult consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people’s patience.

~ A pun is the lowest form of humour – unless you thought of it yourself.

~ Based on my calculations, I can retire five years after I die.

~ Coffee: starter fluid for the morning impaired.

~ Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

~ How come, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust.

Today – Palm Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12noon Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Service for Palm Sunday with the Long Lane Choir – Long Lane
Tuesday
2.30p.m. School Service – Long Lane
Wednesday
9.15a.m. Church Broughton School “Good Friday” walk to church
Maundy Thursday
10.45a.m. Funeral of Jane Seberry
Long Lane
2.30p.m. School Service – Longford 7.30p.m. Holy Communion
Long Lane
Good Friday
10.00a.m. Devotional Service
Boylestone
2.00p.m. Devotional service – Sutton
7.00p.m. SAID Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – EASTER DAY NOTE Clocks go FORWARD to British Summer Time
9.3a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
11.00a.m. Holy Communion  – Radbourne
11.00a.m.  Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at https://churchbroughtonchurch.wordpress.com