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Reading Jeremiah 15.15-21;  Romans 12.9-21; Matthew 16.21-28
Today – Trinity 12
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Radbourne PCC
Friday 7.30p.m. Sutton Harvest Supper
Saturday 6.00p.m. Radbourne Farewell
Next Sunday – Trinity 13
11.00a.m. Holy Communion & Farewell to Michael Bishop as Rector. Followed by Bring & Share Lunch – Church Broughton
4,00p.m. Baptism of Bruno Sellwood-Beinhoff – Church Broughton
Sunday Groaner
The Perfect Minister

When looking for a new minister, it may be helpful to bear the following in mind:

The Perfect Minister preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church handyman.

The Perfect Minister lives on a very small salary, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates £30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Minister has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Minister always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organisation. And he is always busy evangelising the unchurched. He also spends hours preparing couples for their weddings, hours preparing parents for their baby’s baptism, and hours visiting the bereaved. But his life is dedicated to solitude, prayer and meditation.

The Perfect Minister is always in the next town over! So if you think that our minister does not measure up, it has been suggested that we simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their minister. The idea is that we bundle up our minister and send him to the church at the top of our list. If everyone cooperates, in one week we will receive 1, 643 new ministers. One of them should be perfect. Have faith in this plan. One church broke the chain and got its old minister back in less than three months.
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at

Readings 1 Kings 3.5-12; Romans 8.26-39; Matthew 13.31-33,44-52

Today – Trinity 7
10.30a.m. United Holy Communion – Long Lane
Next Sunday – Trinity 8
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
12.15p.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane

Sunday Groaner
Helpful signs
Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

In front of a church: Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

In the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

A sign advertising a Company-wide skiing race: Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.

Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

On a plumber’s van: We repair what your husband fixed.

Help from above
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the minister’s study and asked for help.
The minister came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.
“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at

Readings Zechariah 9.9-12; Romans 7.15-25a; Matthew 11.16-19,25-30
Today – Trinity 4
8.30a.m.Holy Communion – Long Lane9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Radbourne
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford
Next Sunday – Trinity 5
8.00a.m.Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Advance notice
On Sunday 23rd July here will changes of service time:
Longford – Holy Communion at 9.00a.m.
Long Lane – Holy Communion at 12.15p.m.
Sunday Groaner
On what clergy should wear on their feet
The Rectory
St. James the Least

My dear Nephew Darren

Thank you for sending me the photograph of you having your face painted at your parish’s ‘Fun Day’ – although I can’t help feeling that to label an event ‘fun’ is the most effective way of draining it of all amusement whatsoever. Why on earth can’t parishes continue with the traditional title of ‘Crowning of the Rose Queen and Fete’, equally traditionally grimly enjoyed to the accompaniment of thunder and torrential rain.

However, the one thing that caused me the greatest concern in your photo was the fact that you were wearing sandals. Sandals are only to be worn by Franciscan monks (without socks) and holidaymakers on Blackpool promenade (regrettably, generally with socks). I know that you will argue that Jesus wore sandals. This was mainly because reliable pairs of brogues had yet to be invented, but also because He lived in a hot, dry country. We live in a cold, wet one.

The only appropriate colour for footwear for a parish priest is black and the only appropriate material is leather – although I will concede that can create difficulties. Wet leather shoes and polished marble sanctuary floors are a potentially lethal combination.

I well remember as a curate when old Canon Griffith entered the Sanctuary, having just got drenched coming from the Rectory. His feet moved across the marble floor some miles per hour faster than the rest of his body. Had he landed face down, the congregation may have assumed he was reverently prostrating himself before the altar. But lying in a supine position, staring in a dazed state at the rafters, only conveyed inappropriate indolence, when he should be at work.

However, do not take the alternative of wearing crepe soles. I suspect your present church will be fully carpeted – it seems to go with your sort of theology – and there will be no problem. But crepe soles and any sort of polished stone floor are a truly disastrous mixture. The slightest movement will make it sound as if you are being followed by a swarm of demented frogs.
Your loving uncle,
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at

Readings Acts 2.1-21; 1 Corinthians 12.3b-13; John 20.19-23
Today – Pentecost
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion & Holy Baptism – Longford
2.00p.m. Radbourne Fete at       Radbourne Hall
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
Monday 7.30p.m. Boylestone PCC
Friday 6.30p.m. Longford Fete
Saturday 3.00p.m. Teddy Parachuting – Church Broughton

Next Sunday – Trinity Sunday
8.30a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Mattins – Sutton
11.00a.m. Confirmation & Holy Communion – Marston-on-Dove
12.30p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
3.00p.m. Holy – Communion – Radbourne
5.00p.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
6.30p.m. Evensong – Longford

Sunday Groaner

New vicar’s prayer
The new vicar was taking his first service, and determined to make a good impression. The congregation sat spellbound throughout the eloquent sermon and the extended intercessions, which seemed to cover the whole category of human wants. After the service one church member asked another in awe: “Don’t you think our new vicar prays well?
“I most certainly do,” was the answer. “Why that man asked the good Lord for things that our old vicar didn’t even know He had!”

Night-time prayers
The little boy was saying his go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice. “I can’t hear you, dear,” his mother whispered.
“Wasn’t talking to you,” said the small one firmly.

The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at

On Ascension Day – 25th May -at 7.00p.m. In St Michael & All Angels, Church Broughton the Ascension Day  service of Holy Communion will include prayers for all those affected by the Manchester Bombing, the victims, the emergency services and all affected.

All are welcome to this service. the parish churches at Boylestone, Church Broughton, Dalbury, Longford, Long Lane, Radbourne, Sutton-on-the Hill and Trusley will all be open through the day for private prayer on Wednesday and Thursday

Michael Bishop (Rector)

Readings  Acts 17.22-31; 1 Peter 3.13-22;  John 14.15-21
Today – 6th of Easter – Rogation Sunday
8.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
10.00a.m. Family Service – Longford
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Dalbury
12.10p.m. Holy Communion – Trusley
7.00p.m. Rogation Service & Walk     – Long Lane
This service begins in church and continues in the lanes and fields of the village with prayers for God’s blessing on the growing crops and our communities.
Wednesday 7.30p.m. Archdeacon’s Visitation – Etwall
Thursday – Ascension Day
7.00p.m. Holy Communion     – Church Broughton
Friday 6.00p.m. Sutton Fete
Next Sunday – 7th of Easter
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Boylestone
9.30a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
11.00a.m. Family Service – Sutton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Long Lane
5.00p.m. Evensong – Trusley
6.30p.m. Evensong – Radbourne
Sunday Groaner
On a very English sort of family… Throckmarsh Hall revisited
Readers of the St. James the Least letters have asked to know a little about the family history of the characters involved; it is a little unusual…
Many decades ago, Admiral Horatio and his wife the Honourable Mrs Chalfont-Morgan lived at Throckmarsh Hall, Gloucestershire. There they had two children, Eustace and Penelope.
Eustace followed a traditional path: public school, then Oxford. He was something of a disappointment to his father as careers in the armed forces, law or finance were clearly not appropriate to his temperament. Having sung in the school chapel choir and later been an occasional church attender, ordination into the Church of England seemed the only choice.
Eustace served his curacy in one of the more fashionable churches in central London, before becoming chaplain to the bishop of one of our ancient dioceses in southern England. His machiavellian talents made the life of the bishop so much easier that by way of reward, Eustace was comfortably settled into one of the pleasanter parishes in the Cotswolds, where he remained for the next 40 years. His eventual sudden death, the result of an apoplectic seizure, would happen when he read in “The Times” one morning over breakfast that one of his former curates had been appointed a bishop. But that is fortunately still some years off.
Penelope’s life was rather different. She was recalled from finishing school in Switzerland to become companion to her mother, on the death of her father while at sea. One day, while running errands in the local market town, she met Jack Crump, a second-hand car salesman from Liverpool. She eloped and they married. Within months, it was discovered that he was already married – to two other ladies. Unfortunately by this time, Penelope was pregnant and later gave birth to her only child, Darren.
One day many years later, Darren was cycling to his work at the local undertakers when he suddenly knew he was being called to ordination. After studying by correspondence course, he was ordained and served his curacy in an inner-city parish in the North West of England.
His only living relation was his uncle Eustace, who felt a duty to keep an eye on his innocent nephew. The two were less chalk and cheese, more Chateau d’Yquem and draught bitter. Uncle Eustace, with resigned determination, sent his young nephew a series of monthly letters, advising him on all aspects of parish ministry.
Darren later denied that it was these letters that eventually drove him to minister to natives in the remote forests of Brazil, far from any postman…
There was a very gracious lady who was posting an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country… ‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ answered the lady.
Morning prayer
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good Lord, it’ s morning.’
The Parish Pump can be found on the internet at