Notices for the week
Today – 3rd Sunday of Easter
10.30a.m. United Service – Boylestone Methodist Church
6.30p.m. Holy Communion – Church Broughton
May Day Festival in Church Broughton from noon
1.00p.m. Long Lane School Spring Fair – at the school
Next Sunday – 4th Sunday of Easter
9.30a.m. Mattins – Boylestone
10.00a.m. Family Service & Holy Baptism – Church Broughton
11.00a.m. Holy Communion – Sutton
11.15a.m. Holy Communion – Longford
3.00p.m. Evensong – Dalbury
7.00p.m. Evensong – Long Lane
An engineer, a manager, and a programmer were driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened out of control. Half way down they managed to stop by running the car against the embankment, narrowly avoiding the cliff’s edge.
Shaken by their narrow escape from death, the manager said, ‘So, we need to organise a committee, have meetings, exchange ideas, and develop a solution.’ The engineer disagreed: ‘We haven’t time. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.’ The programmer objected: ‘Nonsense! We must all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.’
A man walked into a church and approached the minister. “I need help. I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The minister looked at him and said gently, “I’m so sorry, I don’t follow you.
When a minister rehearses his sermon, is he practising what he preaches?
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and we, his staff, were helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and called, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, miss,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a dog. But they wanted it to be a Christian dog. Down at the local animal sanctuary they were shown a dog that might be suitable, but the family decided to make sure. The father said: “Go fetch my Bible.” Obediently, the dog trotted to the car, grabbed the Bible off the front seat, and laid it at the feet of the man.
“Ah,” said the father, “he may know what the Bible is, but can he find his way around it?” He told the dog to find Psalm 23. The dog opened the Bible with his nose, and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
“Ah,” said the father, “he may know the Bible, but is he baptized?” Immediately, the dog turned and jumped into the nearby stream, went under, and jumped out again.
“Ah,” said the father, “It may be baptized, but does he pray?” The dog immediately sat down, closed its eyes and waved its front paws in the air. “Wait a minute!” exclaimed the mother, outraged, “this dog is no good for us – he is Pentecostal!”
Letter to God
A Sunday School teacher invited her children to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a really good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”
Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling vaguely guilty that they had skipped Sunday morning worship. To make matters worse, the fish were not biting.
The first angler finally observed: ‘Perhaps I should have just gone to church.’
To which the other replied: ‘I couldn’t have gone to church in any case, as my wife is home ill in bed.’